Raptor Venom Records


Raptor Venom Records #001-019

RVR001 - No Destination
RVR002 - Skeletons
RVR003 - What Killed the Dinosaurs?
RVR004 - The Great Communicator
RVR005 - Let's Go Clubbing!
RVR006 - Music for a Snuff Film
RVR007 - Adventures of re-Itori and the Helpless Old Cave
RVR008 - Winning Is Rhyming
RVR009 - Las Vegas or Bust
RVR010 - Surfing Lessons for the Hideously Inside-Out
RVR011 - Electrocution vs. Henry the Weekday Dunce
RVR012 - Some People Don't Know What to Do with 20 Dollars
RVR013 - Greg Reinfeld & the Opinionettes
RVR014 - The Inventionist
RVR015 - Bookbinding and Other Songs
RVR016 - Open Mic at the Peliculum Attic Door
RVR017 - Times New Reinfeld
RVR018 - Perpetual Motion Sensory Deprivation Machine
RVR019 - Poorest Almanac That Ever Lived

001 - Song for the Flightless Bird
002 - My Spanish Teacher Ran Away
003 - Missing Link (Ode to Bigfoot)
004 - So It Goes
005 - Three Page Paper
006 - Pig Latin
007 - Piso Mojado
008 - Southern Cuisine
009 - Rock and Roll Mansion
010 - City Train (Judgmental Eyes)
011 - Agnostic's Hymn
012 - The Premature Ejaculation Blues
013 - Six Hours from Home
014 - Concussion
015 - Flashback
016 - Less Is More Is Not Enough
017 - Collection Plate
018 - East Coast/West Coast
019 - Telescope
020 - Make My Boredom Disappear
021 - The Hollywood Ecology
022 - Hypochondriac
023 - Talkin' Talkin' Hitchhiking Amphibian Blues
024 - How I Learned Arithmetic
025 - Daddy's Home
026 - The Quicksand Railroad Transcontinental
027 - Shallow as the Water Was
028 - Craters on Pyramids
029 - 2021
030 - We Are Only Refugees
031 - In Regards to a Solution
032 - Seasick
033 - The Children
034 - A Halo for the Scientist
035 - Sour Skies, Empty Mouths
036 - Did I Sleep and Are These Dreams I Had?
037 - When This Kid Talks
038 - Bed and Breakfast in the Forest of Resurrection
039 - Robot Love Part I
040 - Don't Get Superstitious if the Circus Never Comes
041 - Ballad of the Crooked Cop
042 - Humanzee
043 - Blind Man's Bluff
044 - Letters Home
045 - Logic of the Chainsaw
046 - The Chicken, the Egg and the Holy Ghost
047 - Whiskeybreath
048 - Robot Love Part II (Estella)
049 - How to Play Egyptian Ratscrew
050 - Governor's Sleeping
051 - A Day in Colonial Williamsburg
052 - Chromosomes
053 - Have a Little Mapwurst and You'll Make It There on Time
054 - Like Clockwork
055 - Popes Never Die, They Just Change Bodies
056 - Rules to Rugby
057 - Smoke in a Deaf Kid's Ear
058 - The Leif Erickson School of Synchronized Schooling
059 - This House Is a Swamp or My Brother Is a Frog
060 - Vats of Cherry Cola
061 - Disappearing Canine Blues
062 - High School (Makes Me Wanna Cry)
063 - Ninja Whisky
064 - North American Street Drugs
065 - Salad Days
066 - Don't Piss on My Piñata and I Won't Piss on Yours
067 - Crazy Eights
068 - Life in the Ocean
069 - Moogiles the Prophet
070 - Get a Room
071 - Vitamins
072 - Pair Off and Multiply
073 - All They Teach Us in School
074 - Daybreak
075 - The Quest for Eggs and Biscuits
076 - Mighty Strange
077 - Mighty Strange, Indeed
078 - You're Very Handy, Even Though You Don't Have Any of Them
079 - Training in the Woods
080 - What's a Gazebra?
081 - Our Hero Meets His Maker
082 - Showdown
083 - Back to the Homestead
084 - Here Come the Lawyer in the Pinstripe Suit
085 - Lower End of the Upper Middle Class
086 - Long Division
087 - The Streets of Salt Lake City
088 - Space Cadet
089 - Flying Sideways out of Buildings
090 - Hoopy Is the Pits
091 - Blonde Joke
092 - Salt in the Game
093 - Confidence Man
094 - My First Wet Dream
095 - Bigger Fish
096 - All Aboard the Combover Express
097 - The Untimely Fake Death of Hipton Prescott
098 - Narcotic Signals
099 - Stop Rooting for the Hometeam
100 - 16 Millimeter PSA
101 - Why My Dog Is Called Pile of Bricks
102 - Caffeine
103 - Moon Learning
104 - A Million State Funerals
105 - Jammibeans
106 - Folk Child's Blues
107 - Higher and Deeper
108 - Twisted House of Mirrors
109 - Landlocked
110 - Pacific Coast Highway
111 - Q: What's Your Problem? A: Incontinence
112 - Underwater Freak Show
113 - Wiping Out and Keeping Your Cool
114 - Achievements
115 - Let's All Quit Our Summer Jobs
116 - Pickup Lines
117 - Jonathan Swift
118 - Welcome to the Hippo Pit
119 - Stargazing
120 - Bird Watching on the Go
121 - The World's First and Last Random Number Generator
122 - Biopic Hitman
123 - Nihilist's Picnic
124 - These Are the Opinionettes
125 - Cornbread for Cornbread
126 - The Future Mrs. Whatever
127 - Heartbreak Run
128 - Song for West Point
129 - Tragedy Strikes (Tape at 11)
130 - I Belong in a Padded Cell
131 - Judy Is Judy Is Christopher
132 - Legend of the Five-Day Man-Beast
133 - Damaged Goods
134 - My One and Only Masterpiece
135 - Joys of Public Transit
136 - Sinners' Blues Exchange and Emporium
137 - Death and Good Riddance to the LP
138 - 1.1
139 - 1.2
140 - 1.3
141 - 1.4
142 - 1.5
143 - 1.6
144 - 1.7
145 - 1.8
146 - 1.9
147 - 2.1
148 - 2.2
149 - 2.3
150 - 2.4
151 - 2.5
152 - 2.6
153 - 2.7
154 - 2.8
155 - 2.9
156 - 3.1
157 - 3.2
158 - 3.3
159 - 3.4
160 - 3.5
161 - 3.6
162 - 3.7
163 - 3.8
164 - 4.1
165 - 4.2
166 - 4.3
167 - 4.4
168 - 4.5
169 - 4.6
170 - 4.7
171 - Bookbinding
172 - Battle of Wits with the Underbridge Troll
173 - Menlo Park
174 - How Not to Tell a Story 101
175 - One-Armed Circle Jerk
176 - Fingernails
177 - To Have a Foreign Girlfriend: the Video Game
178 - A Love-Wound Telegram from Yours Truly
179 - Run-In with the V.C.C.S.S.
180 - Pickaxe
181 - Cussworthy Habits
182 - Bluesman Impostor Blues
183 - Happenstance
184 - Dictionarily Speaking, Again
185 - Hammock Song
186 - The Yard Sale
187 - Summer Flings (Don't Fly in the School Year)
188 - Get Gone, Diabete, Get Gone
189 - Summer Reading List
190 - Nomenclature of Prehistoric Birds
191 - The Rift Between Radicals and Moderates
192 - Routineagers
193 - Song on Maracas
194 - Slacker/Moneymaker
195 - Office Politics at the Old Philharmonic
196 - Carnival Math Whiz
197 - Middle East Limerick Hour
198 - Gospel Revivalist Blues
199 - Museum Wax
200 - United States Department of Bees
201 - War Diorama
202 - Sorrows of Young Whine All You Want
203 - United States Bureau of Wasps
204 - Homeschool Religion
205 - Jazz and Blues Festival
206 - Pleasure Aho
207 - Wind-Up Toy
208 - Planned Obsolescence
209 - Sex By Committee
210 - TADOTL (Trapeze Artists Down on Their Luck)
211 - Temper Tantrum
212 - Crocodile Tears
213 - Lexicosmonauts
214 - Yeah, No
215 - No, Yeah
216 - The
217 - Of
218 - Dang
219 - Classical DJ Crank It Up
220 - Workman's Comp
221 - The Teetotaler
222 - The Problem with Stereo Sound
223 - Gallon of Blood
224 - Child Actor
225 - Time-Traveling Trap Door
226 - Amsterdam Juggler
227 - Bluesy Typewriter Stomp
228 - Like, Everything's Connected
229 - School Shooting Aftermath
230 - Ma Nature's Own Shalt Nots
231 - Rubber Tigers
232 - Field Trip
233 - Opera Sushi Ballet
234 - Pink Ballerina
235 - Underground Hip-Hop Sensation
236 - (For You) I Pretend to Like Jazz
237 - I Saw a Booty
238 - People's Republic of Weatherman Is Wrong
239 - I Saw a Booty Backwards
240 - The Science Fair



No Destination - lyrics

001 - Song for the Flightless Bird
002 - My Spanish Teacher Ran Away
003 - Missing Link (Ode to Bigfoot)
004 - So It Goes
005 - Three Page Paper
006 - Pig Latin
007 - Piso Mojado
008 - Southern Cuisine
009 - Rock and Roll Mansion
010 - City Train (Judgmental Eyes)
011 - Agnostic's Hymn
012 - The Premature Ejaculation Blues
013 - Six Hours from Home
014 - Concussion



Song for the Flightless Bird

why can't a dead bird sing?
why can't a blind man see?
why's everyone loving life but me?
oh lord, answers i don't know

how do you tell a wise man from a fool?
how do you tell a virgin from a whore?
blur the distinction like a snowy summer day
answers i don't know

why can't a penguin fly?
escape the arctic night
when you got no destination then the world is just a moment in time
'cause future's expectations in historical disguise
not asking questions is where the answer lies

if i write a song about a girl she doesn't care
but i learned my lesson now and i know that life's unfair
see if i had my way babe you'd be right here by my side
love is just illusion so nothing is implied




My Spanish Teacher Ran Away

my spanish teacher ran away back in freshman year
she was sick of us cheating on exams and copying homework
so she put an end to her career

tienen un examen ma�ana
necesitan una hoja de papel
and if i see you cheat on this one
i swear to god this time you're going to hell
oh operator please give me number nine
i swear these pesky kids make me old before my time
you tell the school board i'm in texas for a while
there ain't no stupid kids for at least 100 miles
cuando la vida est� muy dificil
hasta luego

�donde est�n mis pantalones?
without them i won't get far
see the only way i can hide my body parts is to
pick up my guitar

i guess i'll try and make it out here on my own
there ain't no rowdy kids prank-calling on the phone
and if they try to reach me i'll pack my bags and run
gonna find a convent and turn into a nun

quiero ir al mexico
i'm leaving on the train
the only thing i liked here was ingesting acid rain

i try to make a living with the horses and the steers
time till my pension was another thirty years
you tell my students that i'm passed out on the floor
and that the substitute's a scab and nothing more
she's gonna run away and share a drink with me
and it's not iced tea

necesito ir al mexico
it's the place where i belong
i'm gonna cross the border once i finish up this song
the only thing i'm looking for is a little peace of mind
when you live the traveler's life you never look behind




Missing Link (Ode to Bigfoot)

lemme tell you 'bout a girl i know
they call her bigfoot and i love her so
and i'll tell you this from the very start
the girl's got hair on every body part

[bigfoot] get her out of my head
[bigfoot] get her out of my bed

and i don't care about her hairy back
oh i don't care if her tongue is black
i don't care if she's got pubic lice
the girl's a beast but she still looks nice

[bigfoot] get her out of my mind
[bigfoot] what a hairy behind

they say that beauty's on the inside
in your case it's true
'cause i'd tear my eyes out to get inside your heart
live a life of humiliation just to be with you

i fell in love with her in physics class
i'm such a sucker for that hairy
so maybe hygiene ain't her thing
she likes to dance, she likes to sing
oh bigfoot i love you
no matter what the people from animal control say

[bigfoot] i swallowed hair when we kissed
[bigfoot] but she's so hard to resist

oh i don't care if you're gross
as long as you are close to me
oh i don't care what the people from animal control say
they're never never gonna take you away
take you away from me
i'm never gonna let you go
take you away from me
you're the hairiest girl i know
see if i had a razor i tell you what i'd do, yeah
i'd give that girl a shave and a shampoo, yeah
if i had a razor i tell you what i'd do, now
i'd give that girl a shave and a shampoo
oh, bigfoot it's true

hey baby
i wanna know where you're running to
you might be hairy
you know i love you anyway
i wanna know where you're going




So It Goes

don't fall in love with someone else's girl
'cause you know she won't leave him
don't think about it
fate has cast her spell
love's an endless torment or at best a blissful hell

oh circumstance is blind and you're a knife against the grain
philosophy's the substitute for what we can't explain

don't tie your shoes if you can't see the floor
'cause you know it means you're falling
no reason for it till you hit the ground
gravity is pain
gravity is everything




Three Page Paper

three page paper
three pages long
my parents wrote it for me so how could it be wrong?
i could bribe the teacher
but that wouldn't be fair
if you're opposed to cheating then you never learned to share

three page paper
you broke my heart
everything i thought was true has just been torn apart
by a red pen
cruel mind
they should realize i'm not academically inclined

i hate writing
i hate school
i hate everything yes i do




Pig Latin

pig latin
doesn't make
no sense
secrets kill

one day i was riding my bike
there was an empty bottle on the ground
and i tripped on it and i got a bruise on my knee
and then i got back on

pig latin
sometimes they talk to me
doesn't make
i don't know what to do
no sense
girl you're my hideout from the voices
or they're my cure for you
pig latin
secrets kill




Piso Mojado

my confidence is shattered
my self-esteem is gone
i don't know if i'm ever gonna trust in anyone again
well i lay on the sidewalk and i cry myself to sleep
and i contemplate all those crazy things that i've seen
and i know i can do better for myself
so i go to the deli
get myself a sandwich
and on the floor there's a yellow sign on the floor
and it's looking at me and it says

piso mojado, man, that floor is so wet
i said hope i don't slip on it and break my little head
well i used to walk on the floor
don't do it any more, no

i look into the mirror
what did i see
i saw my reflection looking back at me
it said what are you doing with your life?
said i don't know
well i think in my mind that i'm never gonna die
but my body is an argument otherwise
and i laugh out loud
you're just a reflection in the mirror
so i go to the movies
and get myself some popcorn
popcorn, baby

i didn't mean to hurt you
but you're the one to blame
why do you keep dragging me back to play this godforsaken game
see i want you to know that you don't need to hide
and girl i'm sorry for those times i was the thorn in your side
just let me know
and i won't say a word

my will to live is fading
my future's looking dim
i don't know why i jump in the water when i can't even swim
well i gotta do a solo
and here it is

i'm floating in the sea of my own misery
said i'm trying to find the thing that'll set me free but
guess i'll never know until i die

well i guess i'm never gonna know why i'm here
piso mojado




Southern Cuisine

i know you never loved me like you wanted me to love you
that's why i'm leavin' you behind

goin' down to charleston
get me some southern cuisine
goin' down to charleston
get me some southern cuisine

hospitality and brothels
grits and southern belles
a picnic on the river with the shrapnel and the shells
this used to be a battlefield but now the sky is clean
goin' down to charleston
get me some southern cuisine

would you cry if i left you?
'cause i don't want to see your face again
would you cry if i left you?
'cause i don't want to see your acne-ridden face again

goin' to arizona
get me southwestern cuisine
goin' to arizona
get some southwestern cuisine

the repetition's killing me
it's time for something new
pack my bags and leaving just to get away from you
my hunger's disappearing
i'm drowning in routine
goin' to arizona
get some southwestern cuisine

i gotta clear my head from the storm you left inside
i don't want your casserole till you swallow your pride

don't get me wrong
i'm coming home some day
i think i love you
maybe i don't
it's just i got better things to do than waste my time




Rock and Roll Mansion

i'm a stupid rock star that no one likes
get my kicks stealing motorbikes from little kids on the street
and i don't give em back
'cause i gotta sell the bikes for ecstasy and crack
my favorite car needs a brand new clutch
my guitar goes out of tune way too much

another stupid rock song that doesn't mean a thing
that's okay 'cause i get paid by the number of words i sing
chemistry physics bio
columbus, ohio
march 15th and cinco de mayo
counting down the days before i die

my life's so tough
there's vomit in my pool
my life's so tough
i bribed my way through school
my income tax is 60 percent
one of my cars has a five inch dent
my inspiration's almost gone
but i'm holding
i'm holding on

i don't give a damn about the FCC
so many lawyers yelling at me
they say why do you cuss
why do you swear
and i say i don't know
well i guess i'm never gonna be ignored

spend my paychecks on heroin and booze
gotta do an ad for a pair of electrostatic shoes
you don't know the pain of a public life
you don't know the burden of a supermodel wife
i'm sittin in my mansion with a forty in my hand
that's what it's like to be the lead singer of a crappy mainstream band

my contacts barely fit
my manager just quit
the weather in LA is too hot to bear
but i'm a rebel so i don't care
my inspiration's almost gone
but i'm hanging
i'm hanging on




City Train (Judgmental Eyes)

i used to go into the city
back when i couldn't drive a car
and i asked my parents if i could walk and they said son it's way too far
so i took public transportation
now i got a hundred stories to tell
'cause listen strangers can be fascinating if you ignore their smell

this one dude was trying to convince me kansas city was really in maine
i turned to my left smelled gin on his breath
just another drunk on the train

the train it pulled into the station and a preacher got on with his wife
the doors started to shut
she held them open for him
and he said angela, you saved my life
now i'm never gonna die
holy salvation
i'm never gonna die

sometimes i think i need a reason
observing people's hidden pain
i'm the judgmental eyes of the city train




Agnostic's Hymn

if there's a god then why are people killing in his name?
it makes no sense to me
or am i too blind to see the way it is

if i died tomorrow i wouldn't care
maybe i should but i haven't started yet
oh well
oh well

self-righteous bastards own the world
seems like ownership ain't due
laugh at them, break the wicked calm
run from them 'cause faith is like a bomb
it serves you well till you got nowhere left to hide




The Premature Ejaculation Blues

i was with my woman just the other day
we was doin' fine yeah everything was okay
she turned off the light and started to dance
and i felt something funny in the crotch of my pants

i swear to god that night i was gonna score
that's when i saw the nasty mess on the floor

i called her on the phone said girl i don't know what to do
you drive me crazy 'cause i'm in love with you
see i'd do anything for you any place or any time
but since when was being excited a crime?

i hope she understands my situation
got a minor case of premature ejaculation
i asked for her apology
she hung up the phone
and i said to myself greg i said you'll be spending tonight alone

i think about baseball
shut my eyes but the only thing i see is me in her thighs
i got a sticky situation on my mind

i got a little problem that i can't help
and it only goes away when i'm by myself
i got a sticky situation on my hands




Six Hours from Home

six hours from home and i'm further from myself somehow
i trip on a pool of mud and my reflection slowly fades away

please don't masturbate in public restrooms
other people want to use them too
when you're sitting in the stall and there's nasty on the wall
there ain't not much that you can do

six hours from home and the distance wrecked my head
future's expectations and history's just lies
time's really nothing when you look into his empty eyes




Concussion

lately i've been spending time in bed
sleep the years away
lately i've been running from the law
'cause words can kill like a shotgun suicide
you know i'd love to see you cry

sometimes my mind just flies away
i'm not a lunatic
i swear to god i'll be okay

your tears are poison
your words can make me numb
novacane is my religion
now see what i've become

piso mojado man that floor is so wet
i said hope i don't slip on it and break my little head
used to walk on the floor
don't do it anymore, no

 


Skeletons - lyrics

015 - Flashback
016 - Less Is More Is Not Enough
017 - Collection Plate
018 - East Coast/West Coast
019 - Telescope
020 - Make My Boredom Disappear
021 - The Hollywood Ecology
022 - Hypochondriac
023 - Talkin' Talkin' Hitchhiking Amphibian Blues
024 - How I Learned Arithmetic
025 - Daddy's Home
026 - The Quicksand Railroad Transcontinental


Flashback

i don't wanna take my pills even if you say i should
it's not a real disease like valentine's day is just a sham
i always have this dream in which i keep on getting crushed between the gears of 

some 600-ton machine
and no matter how loud i scream the screeching just gets worse
and my bones turn into powder and my flesh becomes my curse
and i can't wake up without twitching in my sheets

i don't wanna take my drugs even if they say i should
i've found i'm calmest watching other people cry and i don't know what to do




Less Is More Is Not Enough

shoulda written lyrics for this stupid song
but words just don't express just what i mean
i gambled my last dollar
i threw away my notebook and my pen 'cause fame is no excuse
and if this is a mystery then pay no mind 'cause you'll be gone gone gone

shoulda sold my records in another town
'cause vinyl is the closest thing to god
shoulda sold my records in another town
'cause vinyl is the closest thing to god i've found

i said if this is a mystery then pay no mind 'cause you'll be gone gone gone




Collection Plate

every day i go to work
gets me that much closer to tripping off the edge like a deserted soldier
every time i wish things weren't the way they are
it just gets worse

no matter who i meet i know they're out to get me
and now that i'm free
i ne'er felt more constricted
every time i ask god for another way god says no

jane i got a temper but you can be my friend
there's room for one more in my lonely life of sin
every time i wish things weren't the way they are
it all blows up and i can't take it

i'm not a hypocrite 'cause i can't remember what i said back then
so how could i contradict it?
each and every time superstition keeps me down i can't see

when i'm with you the world is not as ugly
and just 'cause i'm a fool doesn't mean you'll ever catch me smiling
when i watch the evening news and the captain kills the clown
no one mourns and i'm in stitches

jane i got a rifle but you can be my friend
there's room for maybe one more in my lonely life of sin
in my own sick way i've found my peace of mind
no matter what goes down i can't stop laughing

jane i got a rifle but you can be my friend
there's room for maybe one more in my lonely life of sin
in my own sick way i've found my peace of mind
no matter what goes down i can't stop laughing




East Coast/West Coast

it's a shame it had to come to this
i stained the windows of my car
there's a word for this
i've forgotten what it is
my only mortal friend has gone away

east coast
west coast
where i hit next god only knows
i've sworn silence on my baby daughter's grave in someone else's blood

there's a storm
it only stops when we're asleep but i stole the hotel's extra key
there's a word for this
i've forgotten what it is
my only mortal friend has gone away

east coast
west coast
where i hit next god only knows
i've sworn silence on my baby daughter's grave and someone else's name




Telescope

you don't see me but i see you
you look beautiful through my telescope until you draw your shades again
i don't know you that well like you don't know me
i gave you a call to see if you were around
and when it's raining i miss you that much more
and when you go to sleep i wish that i was there
watching you

i tried to make sense of this but i'm still confused
lighting a match on a desert island won't get you home

i could burn down the neighborhood and rescue only you
i could hit you in the street and take you to the emergency room
in your bed you'll slowly heal

yeah no need to meet sweetheart
no reason why
i want someone to talk to but don't we all so i'll let you go
and when it's raining i miss you that much more
and when you leave the house i wish that i was there
waiting for you




Make My Boredom Disappear

someone make my boredom disappear
i know, i know, it's better than pain
when you're in pain you got something to fight for
live your life in boredom intentions fall like rain
hey, hey
and through my motel window i can see fog
eerie as it seems i don't care 'cause i got my tv
it lights my way back home

rot my skull with trash, yeah it just ain't true
intercept my narrow point of view
eerie as it seems i'm left alone with some kind of enemy

someone make my anger turn to lust
put my brain on rye bread
it still tastes like earth




The Hollywood Ecology

i met this girl named caroline
who say she wanna be a model or an actress or an anchor on tv
but in the meantime she's waiting tables
as i scramble for a twenty dollar bill
she's never had a steady gig and it seems she never will

'cause life's an awful movie and the world's a vcr
that is broken and malfunctioning in a million pieces on the floor
but it may seem like i don't give a rat's backside but that's just not how it is

now she's a dancer in the slummy part of town
can't pay her way back home 'less sleazy businessmen come 'round
so on the way there i bought her flowers
'cause i know all the heartache she's been through
the flowers cost me 14 bucks
and now i'm broke too

oh life's an awful movie and the world's a vcr
that is broken and malfunctioning in a million pieces on the floor
but it may seem like i don't give a rat's backside but that's just not how it is

she finally found her way onscreen just not as she had hoped
got snuffed out by a pervert with a camera and a rope
at the graveyard i gave her flowers
i stole 'em from somebody else's stone
said goodbye to caroline
saddest face i ever known




Hypochondriac

everybody that i've met is so plain and ordinary
it makes me feel that i'm not well
then i get the guts to get up and go to the doctor
this is what they tell me

get yourself some medicine
get yourself a clue
it's not in our realm of training to tell you the truth

i'm a hypochondriac
i'm twice as sick as you
i tried to cure myself but i'm not really here

the psychic on tv said my luck was temporary
and in a way that's how i feel
who's to say what the future holds?
so far it's all the same to me




Talkin' Talkin' Hitchhiking Amphibian Blues

once upon a time driving down the road
i happened on this little toad
he said do me a favor, man
i said "sure little friend, i'll do what i can"
"gimme a ride downtown
to the farmer's market
gotta sell this fresh produce"

hop in i said and hop in he did
starts asking me if i got wife and kids
i point to the condoms on the side of the dash
i think of something and we almost crash
i say "how old do you think i am?"
toad says "uh, old enough
you got your own car don't you?"

i say who you gonna vote for come november
toad says tell you the truth i don't remember
i say november hasn't happened yet
and toad pulls out a cigarette
i look to my right and tell him "hey, buckle your seatbelt"
he said "look at me
i'm an amphibian for chrissakes"

we get to the market just half past noon
not a minute too late and not a minute too soon
toad gets out with his crates and bins
drops 'em off then gets back in
i say "how 'bout these gas prices, huh?"
he jumps out of the window and into the sky
and that's what i did during my summer vacation




How I Learned Arithmetic

when i was ten a 120-year-old lady took advantage of me
i was too young to say no
we stayed up all night
she told me about the great depression
i was into dinosaurs so i showed her my fossil collection
she showed me hers

back in '93 it all turned upside down
what's a boy supposed to do?

back in '93 i said
it all turned upside down
what's a boy supposed to do?




Daddy's Home

i raped your mom
and gave her the gun
i guess that makes you my only son
i'm sorry for those birthdays that i missed
please take this scratch & win
i insist
i'll go on my way
you won't see me again
tell your mother that i'm sorry for all the trouble that i've been

my apologies can do you no harm
sixteen years to hold a grudge is sixteen years too long
believe it or not i don't feel guilty
yeah someday soon you're gonna thank me
even if you always run away

i'm a-gonna hit the road
you won't see me again
go forth and do great things
great things
people say it's wrong but talk is cheap
i haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a long long while
but um, i hope you don't turn out to be like me
things get mighty ugly in that there state penitentiary

my apologies can do you no harm
sixteen years to hold a grudge is sixteen years too long
believe it or not i don't feel guilty
in the afterlife you're gonna thank me
even if you always run away




The Quicksand Railroad Transcontinental

kimberly, i wish we met before just now
by summertime you'll be back where you're from
in the scheme of things it never would have worked
so long
may the weather treat you well

centipedes are crawling through my veins
peaceful as i know you'd like to be someday
when the reaper comes
put in a word for me
three years till the delaware runs dry
peaceful as i know you'd like to be

 


The Great Communicator - lyrics

037 - When This Kid Talks
038 - Bed and Breakfast in the Forest of Resurrection
039 - Robot Love Part I
040 - Don't Get Superstitious if the Circus Never Comes
041 - Ballad of the Crooked Cop
042 - Humanzee
043 - Blind Man's Bluff
044 - Letters Home
045 - Logic of the Chainsaw
046 - The Chicken, the Egg and the Holy Ghost
047 - Whiskeybreath
048 - Robot Love Part II (Estella)
049 - How to Play Egyptian Ratscrew
050 - Governor's Sleeping



When This Kid Talks

the rhymes are forced and the words are insincere
but that doesn't matter 'cause mother said i got things to say
wait till then

i go outside just to try and make a friend
but i couldn't find one 'cause they scare me and i keep them away
you, you're just a pawn
simple and afraid




Bed and Breakfast in the Forest of Resurrection

it's 2078
nothing has changed
there's still greed and hunger and hatred and phonebills
and nuclear warheads and billboards and crackpipes

bury me with my eyes closed in case the dirt gets in
i left you a note on the refrigerator door and it says
eat, sleep, die

"marry me to my guitar"
said the minstrel with a smile but he meant it
the mayor retorted
"a guitar's made of wood
if you want i can get you a room"
eat, sleep, die




Robot Love Part I

my batteries were low [whoa whoa]
my internal clock was just a little slow [whoa whoa]
yo i need a bolt i'd love a screw
i'd give my arm just to be with you
'cause darling, we're robots in love

i met her by the factory, yeah
they said she was the girl for me
they were wrong
when she cries it smells like lightning
when she's gone it smells like gasoline

i wasn't programmed to listen to your lies
all i see is my reflection when i look into your eyes
despite it all
despite it all
you're the one for me

a lesser man would break down
but i'm made of steel and auto parts
and i don't think i like you anymore
when she's gone it smells like lightning
when she cries it smells like gasoline

i wasn't brought here to fight or disagree
but that's the way it goes sometimes
despite it all
it's not my fault
i seem guilty
since i been with you




Don't Get Superstitious if the Circus Never Comes

i had a date with the president's daughter
but she cancelled out and i haven't heard from her since
called the russians
sold them our secrets
now i'm a traitor and the government wants me in jail
chinese people playing chess
is there anything more delightful?
an old man over there sent me a letter it said
"hey kid, there's more to life than this, so act like you're surprised"

you think we're better off at war
you think what you're told to

don't talk religion
don't talk philosophy
don't raise your voice if you got nothing nice to say
they might turn you in
i found a number on the bathroom wall
much to my dismay it was disconnected
the operator laughed and i jumped back
she whispered "don't tell 'em where you been"

you think what you're told to




Ballad of the Crooked Cop

your honor i plead the fifth
the d.a. wants me gone
i'm too poor to be innocent so silence is the only chance i have
anything i say, they'll convict me
no matter what i do, i'm to blame
listen sir
i can't afford to bribe you

your honor your court's a joke
the second hand's too long
anything i do, you'll convince me
the dirty money i don't have goes to waste
listen sir
please crucify yourself




Humanzee

oh humanzee, you're so ugly
i never wanna look at you again
oh humanzee, you're so ugly
you look just like my girlfriend's mom

see if i saw you on the street i'd say hello
but if i never saw your face again i'd not be angry

oh humanzee, someone's listening
i recommend you be careful what you say
since they're listening
you'll be lying
so what's the point of asking anyway?

see if i saw you on the bus i'd say hello
but if i never heard your voice again i'd not be angry

oh humanzee, why'd you have to ruin all our fun?
i'll call the police and tell them it was you
what you gonna say with a tranquilizer pointing at your head?




Blind Man's Bluff

no one 'round these parts seems to care
that we've been shooting every red we see
i can hear the battle cry
ringing in my ears

beware the midnight sun
you're as cruel and crooked as they come
it's just you ain't never touched a gun
you diplomat
you hide behind the facts

all the townsfolk you send out
spend their blood to hunt down your old friend
and when all is said and done
the other side has won

you think that you're above the law
you'll be awful sorry if you run away
you can't escape the midnight sun




Letters Home

you feel safer while i feel scared
my generation pays while you just sit and stare
at the tv set
watch some stupid talking heads
i'm in the sunlight digging graves

cancel subscription to favorite magazine
i'm going overseas
i mean i won't have time to read
yeah send me a letter and i'll write you a reply
remember that the army reads our mail

i'd say our skills have far exceeded our need to use them
and it's been said machines cannot replace emotion
so write back soon

they won't ground me 'cause i'm too sick to fly
so sick in fact, the doctor said, i'm here till next july
hey it's contagious and morale's getting low
someone, somewhere had a better day than i did

i'd say our weapons far exceed our need to use them
and it's been said machines cannot replace emotion
i don't know 'cause i'm computer just like you




Logic of the Chainsaw

never start a fight with a guy who has a chainsaw
he'll saw off both your arms and mail them to your children
he picks a price and you can't tell him no
so sad
shoulda left the crazy man alone




The Chicken, the Egg and the Holy Ghost

divine penetration broke my momma's hymen
so the story goes
daddy's up in heaven and joseph's in his room doing something
and the door's not closed

the tabloids say i turn water into wine, yeah yeah yeah yeah
the tabloids say i turn water into wine
if that was true, i'd tell you what i'd do
i'd get a yacht on the river
eat up all the fish
life is good

it's hard to think straight when you're under the weather
and it's hard to get excited when you got no place to go
everybody's waiting for me to come back home
i don't think i'm leaving

now i'm of the persuasion that there ain't no such thing as a hopeless sinner
i mean, you pick your fights, cut your losses, that kinda thing
but when it comes down to it, you're really just a pile of bones
vulture food




Whiskeybreath

bloodclots say that the politician lying
they don't realize they're not obligated to listen
numbskulls believe what the president say
it's not my place so i don't even bother

i'm lonely and i'm tired and i haven't slept in days
burned the only suit i own
lit up my last cigarette
made my way back home
dogs barking but there ain't nothing wrong
there ain't nothing wrong

some folks tell you the apocalypse is coming
if that's the case then why do they want my money?
i told the bossman i wanna get paid
he said, "hey, why don't you take it easy, baby?"

i wish i was a cannibal
stomach full of skin
i'd go buy myself a farm
make nice with the livestock
serve filet mignon
they'd think that there ain't nothing wrong
there ain't nothing wrong




Robot Love Part II (Estella)

estella, why do you tease me like you do?
i coulda loved you
but you wouldn't have it any other way
it's been three years since i seen your wicked face
it haunts me in my dreams
just like everything i see

i got a pretty girl back home who'd never leave my side
i'm human see and i'm aiming for you and i'm never gonna be satisfied
it's a shame bad people never change

estella, i'm miserable like you
gratify myself
ground up all my pills

hey my nightmares come and go
maybe i'll be fine




How to Play Egyptian Ratscrew

the end is not quite here, but still
there's not too much to laugh about, not now

no no no no no no
i don't wanna be an american
no no no no no no
i don't wanna lock up every muslim
and i don't want peace if i'm the only one who's left alone

"insubordination leads to death"
said the unsuspecting butcher to the chef
"that's some knife, where'd you get it from?"
"get back in the kitchen or i'll cut you like i cut him"

no no no no no no no
that ain't the way it's supposed to be
no no no no no no no
you're the one who's sleeping with the enemy
your dirty sheets make me think that you belong out there

she's a vicious creature when she's mad mad
see civilized behavior was just a fad, that's all
and we don't care
we don't

la la la la la la la
it's so sweet to be oblivious
la la la la la la la
for god's sake someone shoot the octopus
i don't want peace if i'm the only one who's left alone




Governor's Sleeping

15,000 volts to end my life
15,000 volts to make me die
and it seems i did nothing to deserve this but i did
tell my wife and kids i'm sorry
and all the while, the governor's sleeping
i know that he won't make the call

15,000 volts to end my life
15,000 volts to make me die
and it seems i did nothing to deserve this but i did
and all the while, the governor's sleeping
i know that he won't make the call
tell my wife and kids i'm sorry

 


Music for a Snuff Film - lyrics

061 - Disappearing Canine Blues
062 - High School (Makes Me Wanna Cry)
063 - Ninja Whisky
064 - North American Street Drugs
065 - Salad Days
066 - Don't Piss on My Piñata and I Won't Piss on Yours
067 - Crazy Eights
068 - Life in the Ocean
069 - Moogiles the Prophet
070 - Get a Room
071 - Vitamins
072 - Pair Off and Multiply
073 - All They Teach Us in School



Disappearing Canine Blues

i been so sad since my doggy ran away
that mutt was my best friend
i should find another one or accept it that he's gone
i wish my doggy never ran away

if trendy hipsters buy my records
then truth be told
i got no reason to complain about 'em

if i can't make rent by the time the week is up
the landlord said he's gonna put some interest on it

talk, talk, talk, you got nothing to say
so why are you still here?
i should fix the coffee maker or call my folks back home
i wish my doggy never ran away




High School (Makes Me Wanna Cry)

high school makes me wanna cry
it's like i'm a dog in heat
and my owner lost the keys
the bullies always pick on me
and this is what they say

go join the chess club
go join the chess club
go join the chess club
stop messing 'round with my girl

she was cheering at the game
she would look at me
with her boyfriend on the field
the other team was killing us
so i stood up and screamed

let's try a field goal
let's try a field goal
let's try a field goal
hey, we're too far behind

i'm so smart
i won't get caught




Ninja Whisky

teacher did bad things to me
so i vandalized her room
and it was wrong
but i was justified
a million accusations
she never mentioned me
and i know why
she had too much to lose

i've found in desperate times
a drink is all i need
two shots and then you disappear
satisfaction guaranteed

the cops thought half a grand or so would get someone to talk
but no one did
i never told my friends

there's no interrogation room too small
that you can't fit a flask inside the door
my flesh is light as air
makes it hard to breath
when a stranger knows your first and middle name
that's when you know it's time to leave




North American Street Drugs

all your real friends move away
and then there's nowhere else to turn
so you stick needles in your arm
and for a while everything's okay

hey mister surgeon, please tie me up
i'm tired and the drugs are wearing off
can't you see?
i'm tearing at the seams

so you say we'll meet again
and up until this moment you've never been so right
all the confusion's in your head
you've lost my sympathy but i can't quite tell you why

hey there stranger, please tie me off
got an iron constitution but the going's getting tough
if i were you and you were me
i'd get myself a gun

just because i seem to care
doesn't make it necessarily so
take me back to where i was
back before this whole nightmare began

i'm so weak
i must be sleeping




Salad Days

i didn't do anything wrong and neither did you
sunsets make you cry
you're a stupid little girl
why don't you play with your dolls and leave me alone?
if i change my mind, i'll let you know

you think that you're cute when you're mad
you put me to sleep
we weren't meant to be
throw your horoscope away
if i let you down, don't blame me




Don't Piss on My Pi�ata and I Won't Piss on Yours

jesus christ never walked the earth
try and prove me wrong
you must be high on something good

you should check the facts before you open up your mouth
don't believe everything your parents tell you
it's old time religion versus common sense
and your side is winning

the cops came and put us in a bus
and took us to a warehouse they rented for the day
they tried to scare us with their badges and their guns
we all know that's what they're paid to do

sherlock holmes solved a thousand crimes
that don't make him real
accept the book for what it is and nothing more
you'll be fine without him




Crazy Eights

i'm all hung up on a ugly woman i
don't know how to tell her how i feel
she must be as tight as a gymnast
'cause no one wants her

i had nobody else to talk to
so i left a message on her phone
and it went:

"when i played crazy eights with you
you know i let you win
and when i ran out of cards
you know i dealt myself back in
because i didn't wanna leave you there with him"

i wonder
if i had friends
would they laugh at me?

got no psychiatrist to talk to
the smartest thing would be to let it go
there's no deception here to see through
if she's taken i don't wanna know




Life in the Ocean

in my bed
i don't ever wanna leave
honestly
it's not the first mistake i've made

when i kissed her
my lips were dry
she didn't belong there
she should have left when she still could
when i'm drunk we talk about politics
i wonder if it's out of my control

like a soldier
give up the ghost
the last thing i need is a halo on my head
when the absinthe
wipes out my memory
elephants are dancing on the pole




Moogiles the Prophet

moogiles was a prophet
he told the truth sometimes
his words were vague

moogiles won the lottery
opened up a fortune telling stand
a thousand people came
'cause no one tells the future like a foreign-looking man

he took my wallet and my keys
the door was locked when i came in
he took a crowbar to my head
he read my palm and told me things are gonna work out fine

moogiles he went bankrupt
filled out the chapter 7 forms
he lost his mind
he lost his mind

the first time that i met him
i didn't know which country he was from
he came from indiana
used to have a tree farm

they found his body in the park
he made a noose out of a swing
a note was written on his thigh
they couldn't read it 'cause his sweat made the ink bleed




Get a Room

why don't you two get a room?
i'm sick of looking at you kissing and such
i'm so glad you're in love
but to be quite honest, i don't wanna see that

get a room
get a room, you two

they say "live and let live"
if this is living i don't wanna know what death is

why don't you two cool that down?
my virgin eyes have seen too much
it's just like mom and dad
only this time i'm old enough to understand it




Vitamins

who would win in a fight?
steve shay or steve shay?
shay's in the black shorts with the white trim
stevey's standing next to him

some dogs bark but don't bite
talking trash won't help you win
shay's got his mouth guard on
stevey doesn't want one
alright

who would win in a fight?
you should put your money down
shay's got a killer right hook
stevey's got a glass jaw
take him out




Pair Off and Multiply

come too soon or not at all
that's the choice i gotta make
she's a vicious, vicious girl
but she looks so good in a summer dress

radio's on scan
the songs all sound the same
it's daylight savings time again
push down on the brakes
breathmint in my hand
pulled in the shoulder and i laughed out loud

oh we're running out of gas again
hey it looks like we're alone
we could call someone but i can't find my phone
it's getting late

the sun came up at noon
her skin was turning green
her arms and legs were numb
that's when she noticed her extra teeth

i said calm down, calm down, i can explain everything
she said, "my watch says 12 o'clock
why's the sun so far away?"
i said, "we spent the night on a spaceship in the sky
now let's go home"

radio's on scan
the songs all sound the same




All They Teach Us in School

everybody wanna pretend they're so detached
but they're not
everybody think everything's ironic
but it's not
i promise
all they teach us in school is "be yourself"
what a waste of air

i try to tell the truth
but the words just come out wrong
that's the price i pay

the waitress doesn't like you
she's just trying to make a tip
she tells you that she's lonely
but you know she doesn't mean it
we grew up on arcade games
now we're drunks
make of it what you will

i couldn't get that loan
the bank thinks i'm a jew
i should change my name

 


Winning is Rhyming - lyrics

084 - Here Come the Lawyer in the Pinstripe Suit
085 - Lower End of the Upper Middle Class
086 - Long Division
087 - The Streets of Salt Lake City
088 - Space Cadet
089 - Flying Sideways out of Buildings
090 - Hoopy Is the Pits
091 - Blonde Joke
092 - Salt in the Game
093 - Confidence Man


Here Come the Lawyer in the Pinstripe Suit

you tried to call me on the phone but i wasn't home
wipe your tears off
leave a message at the tone
i might not be here
i might be asleep
whatever it is leave a message at the beep
get it through your thick skull that i don't wanna talk to you
you're dead to me
you're see-through
if i'd have known that it'd get like this
i woulda put all my money in a mattress

i was born with a prick that was longer than it shoulda been
sometimes i wish it had grown since then
i came home from the hospital five days old
pissed on my sister or so i'm told
i had a lump in my sack by the age of one and a half
the doctor pulled it out and then asked for my autograph
i scribbled my name and that was that
little did i know it was a child porn contract




Lower End of the Upper Middle Class

yo my cousin makes beats and i emcee
i set fire to the microphone literally
i burned my turntable and my stereo
i can make the vinyl sounds with my mouth though

yo the drug market, oh man, it's outta hand
the cocaine i bought friday turned out to be sand
the weed i bought tuesday was laced with crack
i tracked down my dealer's dealer's dealer and got my money back

i think i'm hard but i'm not
and if i keep up this charade y'all i'll pro'ly get shot
but see it's cool with me 'cause i'm keepin' it real
i drop an anvil on your head and watch you slip on a banana peel

i'm an undercover thug a g in disguise
i spend my leisure time in yo' momma's thighs
i'm a subliminal criminal and i'm on the loose
i drink four parts gin
[five parts apple juice]

yo when i say crack y'all say cocaine
crack [cocaine]
cracka cracka [cocaine]
when i say amphetamines y'all say pills
amphetamines [pills]
amphetamines




Long Division

what's a girl like you doing up past your bedtime?
uh, you're lookin' fine
even if you might be underage, so what?
i can show you a good time for the price of a haircut
that's 11 bucks and my moms ain't home
what can i do babe to get you alone?
get a burger and a shake for 1.99
i'll help you with your homework if you help me with mine

why don't we run away?
there's so much i can tell that you don't know, ah
why don't we cross state lines?
leave it all behind
'cause i can't afford to lose you
i can't afford to let you go

don't tell the feds, the 5-0 or your daddy
that i'm a convict and a pervert
and my mom's upset she had me
but at least in the end i can say that i got some
even if it came with the help of a gun




The Streets of Salt Lake City

one two three
the cops are at the door
get your lowdown rotten faces on the floor
they told me i'd be safe for now
that's why i'm rattin' you out

i'm the only drug dealer out in SLC
i mean i got some competition but i'm in the lead
sometimes my day job gets in the way
i work part-time for the DEA

lemme guess, you got money and you're lookin' to score
wait, you never even had a cigarette before?
well, listen, if gettin' high just ain't your scene
i been gettin' business from your brother since he turned 18

knock knock
who's there?
epitome
epitome who?
epitome shouldn't have eaten lead paint

[what about morality?]
morality, yeah, that ain't nothin' but a joke
three quarters of my customers are sanctified church-folk
25 percent are rebellious kids
who look just like their parents but with safety pins through their eyelids




Space Cadet

lemme tell you how the astronaut got some
he bought a fat chick a bottle of rum
snuck it on the shuttle in his birthday suit
six condoms at the bottom of his boots

alls you get in outer space is just a thing of champagne
so it's no wonder that our boy had liquor on the brain
what's it like to be trashed and have nowhere to fall?
or to be heavy as a truck and weigh nothing at all?
she took off her jet pack and he finished the bottle
before long she started lookin' like a supermodel
he threw up in her mouth and they got undressed
it was feeding time at momma bird's nest

space cadet
rockin' the hoes
space cadet
rotten panties on the floor
fat ones, skinny ones, shiny girls too
all them ladies tryin' to get with you

now he's on top and so is she
the metaphysical dilemma made 'em both kinda horny
he said "i love you" then chaos ensued
they started doin' funky things with the freeze-dried food
back on earth grade-school kids imitated what they saw
hash browns and underpants in every school cafeteria
parents were outraged
teachers went on strike
no one even wondered what the sex was like
dude thought it was a secret till he came back home
you could fill a small warehouse with the tabloids alone
he's always had a problem with one-night stands
too bad he got caught by a space station webcam

hello, i speak russian
do you speak russian?
i speak russian
do you speak russian?




Flying Sideways out of Buildings

got salmonella
from eating chicken
it wasn't cooked yet
but man did it taste good
and i'm tellin' the truth

i broke my arm
'cause my pants were too long
walked 'round in a sling
couldn't get any respect from anybody anywhere

i can't believe the mess i'm in
it sometimes blows my mind
i don't know what i wanna do but i don't wanna stay
someone someone help me
all these smilin' faces
cold front moving in

got struck by lightning
shoulda seen it comin'
my brain is oatmeal
now no matter how hard i try i can't finish a thought
but i'm in control
i know where i live
i know my number
it's 704 704 704-2516




Hoopy Is the Pits

hoopy hoopy
hoopy is the pits
hoopy hoopy
hoopy is the pits

i wanna wring her neck with a nylon strap
i wanna get her pregnant pregnant and give her the clap
i wanna slap that girl and call her names
i wanna get real drunk and play video games

i wanna peel her skin off with a razorblade
i wanna lock her in a room with a hand grenade
i wanna put dirt in the pudding in her lunch
or fake blood in a juice box and tell her it's fruit punch
the first time i saw her with her ears pierced
i was like, "what are you, twelve?"

take a cue from amateur pornstars
see jewelry makes it look like you're for sale
are you a hooker or just a masochist?
odds are you'd look better with a rattail

i wanna pull her hoops off and watch her ears bleed
make powder out of her cartilage and put it in birdseed
or panfry her earlobes
eat 'em with steak sauce
that'll show hoopy who's boss




Blonde Joke

i went to the clip joint got myself a crew cut
put on nice clothes and sucked in my gut
ganked somebody's glasses from the lost and found
tucked in my shirt and headed downtown
found a dive of some sort where nobody would know me
sat in the corner drinking a pint slowly
kept telling myself "stay calm, stay calm"
well just my luck that night the playoffs were on
they sang the national anthem in the pre-game show
taking off my hat must have made me look like a psycho
this blonde number next to me was clearly impressed
i smiled and said "i'm just old-fashioned, i guess"
she introduced herself and i did the same
private first class and then a made-up name
"i'm shipping out in two days and there's a lot i gotta do
so if i don't make it back, well it was real nice to meet you"
i paid for my beer and i put on my coat
before i could leave she stuck her tongue down my throat

next morning i woke her up
told her not to get pissed
told her my real name and got down to business
"i'm shooting a film called loose women during wartime
the footage i got last night is a goldmine
now if you'll be so kind as to sign this release here
if not i'll blur your face and make your voice sound weird"
she's all "people like you make me sick"
"yeah? well that's what you get for being dumb and patriotic"




Salt in the Game

yo, yo, i go to parties uninvited wearing cargo pants
they always let me through the door without a second glance
i wear a pink collared shirt and i blend right in
also have a soul patch glued to my chin
so what's in the pockets, you might ask
table salt, leather gloves, a ski mask, and a hip flask
if it's a bad neighborhood i bring a handgun
whatever it takes to get the job done
step one find a dude who's mackin' on chicks
better yet playing cards with girls and doing magic tricks
step two throw some salt in his face
yell "salt in the game!" then find a hiding place
hit as many victims as you can
and don't forget to memorize the exits from a copy of the floor plan
if the cops come, make like a tree
it'll take a few tries till you can salt game correctly

now you may say these chicks are flat
as if i care about things like that
now you may say these chicks are flat
as if i care about things like that

i don't do it for attention, god tells me to
he says "thou shalt salt game, alright, or i'm gonna smite you"
big talk, but god wouldn't lie
i'll be his servant till i retire to the salt mine in the sky




Confidence Man

it all started back when i was 16 years of age
a retail summer job making minimum wage
i sorta lost my balance and i broke a tv
sold it to a customer and kept the receipt
i'm a con man

used to live in an apartment off of ventura boulevard
i smoked up a former child star and took her credit card
there's some other things i can't talk about
i wonder if she ever found out
not likely

i made a fortune off of pyramid schemes
bought a luxury sedan and built a time machine
went back to the date of my conception
somehow talked my parents into using protection
now i'm a ghost

the state charged me with crimes against humanity
my only choice was to plead insanity
a poster on the wall in the ward where i stayed said
"when life gives you hammers, make nailade"

 


Las Vegas or Bust - lyrics

094 - My First Wet Dream
095 - Bigger Fish
096 - All Aboard the Combover Express
097 - The Untimely Fake Death of Hipton Prescott
098 - Narcotic Signals
099 - Stop Rooting for the Hometeam
100 - 16 Millimeter PSA
101 - Why My Dog Is Called Pile of Bricks
102 - Caffeine
103 - Moon Learning
104 - A Million State Funerals
105 - Jammibeans
106 - Folk Child's Blues
107 - Higher and Deeper


My First Wet Dream

my first wet dream was a terrible thing
every time i think about it i cringe
i'm not telling you this just to get a reaction
it's just talkin' about war makes me sad

i'm on an eighth grade field trip
i'm sittin' on a bench by myself
i lost the group to buy some saltwater taffy

i hear footsteps
four at a time
it's a half-naked woman on a horse
yeah she's calling to me in a language i don't understand

before i know it i'm on my back on the horse and she's on top of me
i swear there's a law about woman on top in the state where i'm from

i extend my neck back and start kissing the horse
i concentrate as hard as i can
i was raised by tv
i'm multitasking
that lady's so experienced
it was a threesome of sorts and i still don't know who won




Bigger Fish

sing about girls with three syllable names
you run your mouth about the way you wish things were
compare things to flowers and don't comb your hair
you got bigger fish
bigger fish to fry

you wanna get ripped but won't go to the gym
you only smoke if the cigarettes are rolled by hand
if you're ugly or broke it's an easy solution
get some thrift shop threads
and kiss your problems goodbye

old friend set you up with some nice girl
it's only fair that he's best man
she's your muse but has a secret she won't tell
she slept with him

don't beat yourself up 'cause that's how it goes
bet you couldn't pick that girl out of a crowd
you painted a picture and wrote her a song
somethin' 'bout bigger fish
bigger fish to fry




All Aboard the Combover Express

i could give my two weeks' notice
i could burn the building down
but then again i might stay
i could scrounge up all my money
find a new place to live
sometime soon but not today

the feds are closing in but i got too much on the line
i can't quit now

i'm drinking blood and shredding papers in my room
someone's tapped my phone
i'm getting paranoid
i bought a ticket in case i change my mind
wouldn't be the first time

i could list 'em one at a time
i could roll 'em off the tip of my tongue
but i don't wanna
just take a look outside
i say give it two months and i'll be livin' in some hotel
with just a suitcase
and nothin' else

the feds are closing in
still they're a couple steps behind
i'm on my way




The Untimely Fake Death of Hipton Prescott

a stranger showed up unannounced one night
said "come on i got something for you to see"
i tried to protest it
wasn't my call but i slowed her down as we started to leave
"not so fast
what's your name?
i wanna get to know you"

the first place we went was the hospital
i got seasick from traveling through time
i was staring at a baby in her arms who looked like me
she said "i bet you'd like to watch yourself die"
"i'd rather not watch anything 'less you tell me to"

we found a 50-gallon drum full of liquid cocaine
she said "what kills you kills him"
i had one last look at the bundle of joy
then tossed that newborn baby in
when i asked "what's a cyst?"
i didn't get an answer

it gurgled, cooked and simmered till it steamed
"please tell me it's a hologram
what i wouldn't give to never see this again"
she said "you can't turn your back on god 'cause he's everywhere"




Narcotic Signals

hormones pulled me in
what, then, could have kept me there?
i remember things i know never happened
all i got from her was resentment
and all i got from them was a hundred twenty-five too many blows to the head

when i think of her
the inside of my left leg twitches
it doesn't matter
i'll just go on like i was
i'll admit i messed up good
that don't make it better

i'm not some moron jock
i've tried to make that clear to her
we're both nervous wrecks only she knows how to hide it
i could have sworn she said out loud that she was out of my league
i must have cooked it up in my palindrome brain

i'm pretty sure
she's just tryin' to make someone jealous
i shouldn't talk though
i'm the one who sees this as a conquest
our intentions don't line up
i can't believe i met her mother

right before my eyes she turned into a circus freak
when the stun gun's juice ran out i started making excuses
i said i can't do that now
i got some ground beef and apple skins in in my teeth
she should have known i lost every single tooth in the ring

modern art isn't always made to be looked at
and street performances aren't always meant to be watched
it's a cryin' shame she had to go
she kept me out of trouble




Stop Rooting for the Hometeam

stop rooting for the hometeam
you make it sound like they're in it for you
you might as well be watching helicopters flying around
look out
they're celebrating hard
satellites make sure you join in

back in the day i was a diehard fan
i'm still not quite sure why
when season tickets went on sale i was the first one in line
and that's where they found me
i was tied up, drugged and made to watch filmstrips

i grew up at the ballpark
some things remind you of more innocent times
the way the lights would turn on before the sun went down
wake up
your memory fails you
the clutter's just enough to hide the truth

owners pay to have officials make bad calls
away team takes the lead
convince the fans their boys deserve to win
no more empty seats
and like that, it's a steady flow of cash
commissioner's fine as long as he gets his

you're staying loyal to the hometeam
as if you had a say in where you were born
the doubleheader's starting so you better put your jersey on
'cause guess what?
the satellites can see you
it don't much matter where you are




16 Millimeter PSA

cold october night
reruns on tv
your daughter wants the car
and it might rain
if she's out too late
you'll ground her for a week
cut to 2 a.m.
there's a crash outside

a loveless marriage won't fill the void she left you
she was just a child
may her death not be in vain

god's forsaken you
it must be for good cause
talk shows have you on
better spread the word
whatever helps you sleep
it still won't bring her back
whatever drugs you're on
they make you think you're right

a loveless marriage won't fill the void she left you
time on earth is sacred
and bake sales only get you so far

there are worse things in this world so lighten up
there are worse things in this world so lighten up
there are worse things in this world so lighten up
there are worse things in this world so lighten up




Why My Dog Is Called Pile of Bricks

the only reason i bought a house
i needed somewhere to pace
you can move in one direction on the sidewalk
go in circles
they'll call you insane
last time i checked this was a carpet
inbred flies
fifteen dollars a jar

this is the part where i walk into walls and pretend that i'm going down stairs
the architect told me the blueprints were wrong
well who am i to doubt him?

i took a tour of the basement
there was a man's best friend tryin' to make a meal out of me
i saw the menacing look in his eyes and knew he wasn't bluffing
i said "okay, the people upstairs
eat them, spare me"
he nodded and drooled
i undid his chain and slapped at his gut and yelled
"go get 'em, killer
go get 'em"
upon my signal he blurred across the room
he would've gone farther if not for the wall in his way
he bounced up against it three times in a row
that dog is dumber than bricks

we go in figure eights from the kitchen to the den
through the living room to the kitchen again




Caffeine

my baby she don't want me
so i shouldn't call her mine
[sometimes]
sometimes i don't know where i am

fortune cookie told me
i may someday have new clothes
[thank god]
yeah, thank god
my shirts are full of holes

crack rocks in the bedroom
wigs on the floor
a five-piece drumset when you walk in the door
cat piss on a mattress
vomit on the wall
lotto tickets everywhere
it smells so bad
i should have stayed home

she takes a 9 volt battery
and sticks it on her tongue
[caffeine - my baby she don't want me]
caffeine doesn't really wake her up that much

she opens up her diary
reads every other page
[sometimes - fortune cookie told me]
sometimes she don't know who she is

crack rocks in the bedroom
wigs on the floor
a five-piece drumset when you walk in the door
cat piss on a mattress
vomit on the wall
lotto tickets everywhere
momma was right
i should have stayed home




Moon Learning

your son, if you enroll him
will get a top-notch education
it's all synched up to the master clock
so while he's here you both can sleep soundly
the further teachers stray from the lesson plan
the more likely the machine is to replace them

in the morning it's penmanship
the ink curdles by mid-afternoon
it keeps everyone's ego in check
all evidence of progress is gone

he'll get his first girl the same instant as his peers
and learn beethoven's fifth on the violin
it's less a one-room schoolhouse than a state of mind
the class pet is a primate-shaped cat
your son will feed it

you'll notice a change when he's back on vacation
not to mention each time he writes home
with tuition paid in full he'll stop using slang
the boy will speak better english than you

he'll score a 90 percent on every exam
and fall off the monkey bars six times a year
he'll have himself a gang of situational friends
in this together till the bitter end




A Million State Funerals

with the stops out it's unbearably loud
makes it all seem more tragic than it is
i play every dirge i know and the crowd is moved to tears
i'm a professional

the body in the casket looks the same each time
how many clones can one man have?
when the pundits call him a martyr for the cause
i wonder what cause?
surviving longer than the last guy?

the headline has been in rotation for years
they don't even change one word
"he perished at the hands of assassins and thieves
all seven men remain at large"

it's white noise and really i couldn't care less
still i play those soul-crushing basslines
they've been calling me first because i'll do it for cheap
i've learned to take that as a compliment




Jammibeans

oh my jammibeans
hey hey hey
they make me happy
they keep me sane

when i don't have them
the days seem long
i need that protein
it makes me strong

whoa cow's milk
cow's milk is for babies
i want some jammibeans
i want some jammibeans right now

the people in charge
they wanna shut us down
it takes honor from the game they say
as if it had any to begin with

think of the children
what message does it send?
when john doe junior's hero is a dope fiend
he'll have to look up to his old man

whoa cow's milk
cow's milk is for babies
i want some jammibeans
i want some jammibeans right now




Folk Child's Blues

you been savin' up all week for an early matinee
the one about the girl next to a fireplace
as the title sequence rolls she's making gestures with her hands
the kid oozes sincerity
she was shot in black and white and that's okay

a loud unpleasant person in the back starts making noise
says "aw, that's adorable, she's deaf"
lady in the front shouts "hey quiet down, you creep
don't be so insensitive"
oh yes, the power of a good old-fashioned talking-to

when the little girl's face gets covered in soot
licks her lips 'cause it tastes so good
she opens wide
speaks up says
"that's one smoky fire"
her voice rings out while the subtitles fade

you gotta take her in on your own free will
but she won't wait that long
no, she won't wait that long

the guy in the back feels the need to explain
"i never called her deaf
what i said is she was doing sign language
and even if i said what you think i did
it's not like she can hear us through the screen"

as if on cue the rear door opens
who should walk in but the star of the film?
everybody takes off their 3-D glasses
she moves to the front to stare blankly at the audience
it's a textbook case of folk child's blues

she was raised by wolves so she's sharp as a tack
it's just she don't know how to swim
no, she don't know how to swim




Higher and Deeper

you devoted your life to base-10 mathematics
you never even questioned it once
your only mistake
you took too much for granted
now somebody's paying the price

you're waging war with bows and arrows
you're trick-or-treating in beverly hills
someone should put you in your place
you're an idiot savant
a grown-up child genius
nothing's there to break your fall
of course you got it right
you pick only easy targets
and it's too late

now you're going grey
retirement's upon you
your stamp collection's gathering dust
you're talkin' awful big
you're gonna paint yourself into a corner
think before you speak

you're waging war with bows and arrows
you're trick-or-treating in beverly hills
someone should put you in your place
you're an idiot savant
a grown-up child genius
nothing's there to break your fall
of course you got it right
you pick only easy targets
and it's too late now

 


Electrocution vs. Henry the Weekday Dunce - lyrics

116 - Pickup Lines
117 - Jonathan Swift
118 - Welcome to the Hippo Pit
119 - Stargazing



Pickup Lines

how many of your neighbors' houses have you been in?
how many of your neighbors' houses have you been in?
tell me or i'll find out the hard way

last halloween i went as a player piano
last halloween i went as a player piano
i got a lot of candy even though i was way out of tune

so you like paperbacks and walks on the beach
you're just about as complicated as i am

i wonder if you've ever seen an old-timey string band
i wonder if you've ever seen an old-timey string band
never, you proclaim
never in your lifey long years

what's gonna be the last song you ever hear?
what's gonna be the last song you ever hear?
name one or i'll choose a song for you




Jonathan Swift

the path i hope to pave will bring uncertainty and dread along the way
as careless as i may seem i cleaned up every single mess i ever made
sobriety is hell
everybody knows it
when i see things as they are i get suicidal
and sometimes i feel like jonathan swift

i hitchhiked far too long
i've lost track of which continent i'm on
the landscape stays the same
impending doom any given time of day
storm clouds to the east
earthquakes on the faultline
keep a watchful eye
right place at the right time
at sundown i head back home

the floodgates open wide
when there's water on the ground it's six feet high
facedown i float away and surrender to the physics of the tide
when the weather fits my mood i say it's there to mock me
i surround myself with friends so why am i so lonely?
i'd take their place if i could




Welcome to the Hippo Pit

a young and fresh elephant was living in spain
set out to meet his fortune
he wanted to be the main attraction in the circus
but wound up behind the scenes

the ringmaster walked up with a bucket of soap and a ten-foot brush
handed these items to our four-legged friend
and said "welcome to the hippo pit
i hope you don't fall in"

he paid his dues there and at the sea turtle pond
the turtles were acrobats in costumes
they would frolic in the mud while the elephant scrubbed them
his patience was incredible

once there was a lion
a baby lion
he wasn't even qualified for elephant things
he marched into the ring with the fanfare blaring loudly
then the crowd stood still
he raised one furry leg onto a podium
and the crowd went wild

years rolled by
star elephants would come and go
our hero was filled with a deep jealous rage
he was overlooked so long

the moral of the story is as plain as can be
success may never find you
but sea turtles and hippos don't know how to wash themselves
and can't do stunts unless they're clean




Stargazing

if you were a firefly i'd catch you in a jar
i'd let you out for air and food
but i would not let you get that far away
'cause i need the light you provide
and i'm well aware it ain't free
if something should happen to you, i'll admit
it would spell out disaster for me

as spirals tear around my head
i hear a symphony of heartbeats rise and fall
my senses overload then all at once just disappear
so what's there left to do but breathe?

if i were an astronaut i'd bring you home a moon rock
i'd put it on display in my room
with a big red sign that says "look but do not touch"
because i know you can't be trusted alone
and i won't be played for a fool
if anything happened to me, god forbid
it would mean only good things for you

a freight train is dropping off its rails
observe the shadows bounce across the canyon wall
this ancient bridge once held the weight of so much more
it looked like a postcard till just now

 


Some People Don't Know What to Do with 20 Dollars - lyrics

120 - Bird Watching on the Go
121 - The World's First and Last Random Number Generator
122 - Biopic Hitman
123 - Nihilist's Picnic


The World's First and Last Random Number Generator

i have a device in my head that commands me to wander the streets
i follow my orders and never ask why
it's rendered me silent and weak
my father drove a cab in new york city
my mother wrote computer code
if there's irony here it's lost on me
i'm the world's first and last random number generator

tell an acquaintance that you have a twin
no one will ever believe it
some people won't even give a response
they'll just look at you like you're a martian
i been stoned since new year's eve on magnesium sulfate
i catalogued my favorite points of view
my circuitry can only store so much
i wish i could be more than schematics and equations

i wash my hands till they're dried out and cracked
then check every lock from outside
then brush my teeth till the bristles are bent
and i still wear a retainer at night
a psych major might call me obsessive-compulsive
there's no denying my behavior is odd
i'm keeping a record of how often i do these things
i'm the world's first and last random number generator




Biopic Hitman

i spent all my paychecks on bullets and gin
i never thought my list of targets would end
i murdered rockstars and my clients made films
now no one's left and i'm out of money again

there's an art to this
not everyone is worth more dead than alive
the nation won't mourn up-and-comers or has-beens
it's a thin line

i wish rock-and-rollers grew on trees
lambs to the slaughter
brilliant and disturbed
they don't have vices
they have character flaws
a screenplay will write itself

another young talent cut down in his prime
the next motion picture deal dotted and signed
he was very important
ahead of his time
the soundtrack outsells all of his albums combined

there's an art to this
arranging the body so it seems like the accident's real
faking a plane crash or an overdose
it's a hideous practical joke

the studios won't return my calls
my industry pals must have all retired
i make reservations for a party of one
a business lunch by myself

 

Greg Reinfeld & the Opinionettes - lyrics

124 - These Are the Opinionettes
125 - Cornbread for Cornbread
126 - The Future Mrs. Whatever
127 - Heartbreak Run
128 - Song for West Point
129 - Tragedy Strikes (Tape at 11)
130 - I Belong in a Padded Cell
131 - Judy Is Judy Is Christopher
132 - Legend of the Five-Day Man-Beast
133 - Damaged Goods
134 - My One and Only Masterpiece
135 - Joys of Public Transit
136 - Sinners' Blues Exchange and Emporium
137 - Death and Good Riddance to the LP



These Are the Opinionettes

i am a shining metropolis
phony intellectuals swarm around me like flies
but to me they're only punching bags
blondes brunettes and redheads
with their non-prescription lenses and their hangover cures
i'm a second-rate poet and a first-rate chef
and everyone's an amateur nutritionist
for all the world-weariness i try to project
i'm ignorant and terrified of everything

by the fingerprint lab
as results were coming in
i broke into a nervous sweat
it felt like i was floating
my lungs were paper sacks
i was a lost cause

i'm a cinematographer's storyboard
a series of pictures untainted by words
clunky metaphors and generalizations
chances are you'll be quizzed
i'd rather play the part of the angry young man
than be dulled by the wisdom middle age might bring

in the polygraph room
when they asked me where she was
i said i don't know or care
the needle started spinning
the experts broke for lunch
it was a tough crowd

around conservatives i'm slightly left-wing
in a room full of liberals i'm a socialist
in the company of people i'm prone to agree with
i become apathetic
my immortal brain it reaches
contorts to climb the grade
it's a sticky bowl of peaches or a weather vane
i spent my early years on a raft in mississippi
i'm a modern-day huckleberry finn




Cornbread for Cornbread

what a pointless existence i lead
my earthly remains are a huge stack of timesheets
i'm a rodent with a carrot in my face
dreading tomorrow as usual
my trajectory as it stands right now
won't get me anywhere
and whenever i get the notion to split
a two percent raise talks me out of it
as for alternatives my mind draws a blank
we could have a system of barter, right?
no no no last time we tried that it was cornbread for cornbread after a week

my alarm goes off at 5:26
i take the 553 at 6:26
i head northeast
then northwest on diagonal
then sit at a computer for 8 whole hours
my hands become cubicles
scooping out redundancies
stuffing 35 minutes in a half-hour sack
get aroused at the thought of efficiency
while HR tugs at my heartstrings
that i might take home more than minimum wage
and still no benefits?
i been here 8 hours

two dozen strangers with nothing in common
act like they known each other since they were kids
there will be no strike
there will be no uprising




The Future Mrs. Whatever

when you're elected president for life
you'll have both houses of congress on your side
just one obstacle stands in your way
you're 42 and still a bachelor

an iron fist won't win you many friends
consolidate your power while you can
having a better half keeps the critics at bay
how bad a person could you be if someone married you?

a physics professor named his daughter inertia
she did a stint in the peace corps then moved back home
she signed up at the bank of municipal whores
all this paperwork and she's yours

inertia here will lose her maiden name
not once will she nag you or complain
her priority is to smile and wave
as you manifest destiny the world




Heartbreak Run

when i broke out the erie county jail
there was no one in my way
with a sawed-off shotgun and a .38
i was invincible
i wanna bash my fuckin' head against the wall
the wheels of justice chewed me up and left me paralyzed

stopped at a diner by the side of the road
had flapjacks smothered in milk marmalade
the dishes were clean but service was slow
you'd be better off eating on a fishing boat

as a kid i hated strangers
pinch my cheek and ask what grade i'm in
adulthood so far's been about the same
now the people on my case all wear a uniform

the forces of nature conspire against me
you'd think at this age i'd be used to seasons changing
i could tell where i was by the slope of the farmland
cops were sending ilegales whence they came

i lost sight of my original goal
as the body count multiplied
that is to say
i saw the forest from the meadow
and the forest from the lake
but then when i got there

a wanted sign's a perfect souvenir
nine-star generals taking aim and acting dignified




Song for West Point

a group of west point grads spoke out against the war
the school itself was having none of this
the words "west point" were a registered trademark
used without permission
attorneys sent a cease and desist
to protect the academy's reputation
this falls in the domain of private enterprise
when uncle sam controls the rights to government names
how can we explicitly criticize?

from the desk of king samuel the concomitant
a to do list
get a trademark on the word trademark
and a patent on the word trademark
but not a trademark on the word patent
each time an attorney writes a cease and desist
i'll get a royalty check

from king samuel the recalcitrant's diary
dear diary
i refer you first to the amendments
section on speech
then to assemble and petition for redress of grievances

i refer you next to the preamble
we the people jump ahead
more perfect union
who knew perfect was a relative term?
perfect minus perfect is zero
perfect over perfect is one




Tragedy Strikes (Tape at 11)

do you follow current events?
you might have heard of this
a student tied himself to the railroad tracks
and was killed by a train
to protest a shipment of nuclear waste
here's something you may not know
i was witness to a hit and run
from the back seat of an suv
just after closing time

"warning: rig your tires" read the sign
flipped horizontal and in cursive
could have been for oncoming traffic
but the driver rigged his tires just in case

we swerved and barreled into emanciplate station
against siren's wail and sheet metal clanging
the brakes were no use
then a terrible groan
and not from the engine
a body under the bumper
late teens/early twenties
the passenger, raised catholic, said "what should we do?"
the driver said
"pray to the patron-saint of keeping your mouth shut"
then we got out for fresh air
the passenger
let's call him jon, said
"if only wilburforce knew how to drive"
and wil, still in earshot, said
"if only the government could put down roads right"

fast forward three hours to the break of dawn
no sign of wilburforce
no sign of jon
when the train struck
then came the press
collecting misfortune at a furious pace
the inverse of johnny appleseed
you've heard the expression
"if it bleeds it leads"
but how about this one?
"it's more what's omitted than what's left in"
here's what forensics missed
it was a corpse before the train ever arrived

wires relayed the story
invoking the wrath of a political god
he's become the poster boy for activist types
likeness printed on t-shirts
symbol of solidarity
my right from wrong is stretched paper-thin
should the truth get out?
what if i called in an anonymous tip?
they'd say thanks but no thanks and hang up




I Belong in a Padded Cell

i been crackin' like a bell
put me in a padded cell
i don't need to hurt myself anymore
i'm convulsing on the floor
rotting inside to the core
chemicals have hijacked my brain
once i had plans for the future
at 18 this town seemed so small
don't let me sit near a window
i might be tempted to fall

went to tightrope walker's square
saw the homeless people there
crammed together balancing in the sky
dodging coins from passersby
distant voices shriek and cry
"get a job you freeloaders"
crowded as birds on a powerline
stagnant as bumps on a log
if one of them drops then they all will
tumbling down through the fog

i'm bound for an early grave
a chain is pullin' me
and here's why i won't seek help
i'd wear my diagnosis like a badge




Judy Is Judy Is Christopher

judy judy woke up today distressed and beat down
piecing together her night on the town
in altered states she converts people to islam
funny how she's never even read the quran
but this morning she's been doing some thinking
now judy is judy is christopher

the princess always goes with the tap-dancing prince
time to take her body for a spin
she got some power hookers and deceived even them
like getting citrus through customs

next on the list is replacing the wardrobe
swapping old rags for more masculine clothes
in the changing room she stands by the mirror
hasn't seen her reflection in over a year
she's trying on undershirts and taking them off again
judy is judy is christopher

she made a clean escape from her gender and her fate
long before her menopause kicked in
it's a race against time and she's hoping to win
it's only a board game




Legend of the Five-Day Man-Beast

you'll never guess what happened
we were visiting my brother's school
in the motor lodge parking lot there was a color tv
which channel to watch?
electricity first
talkin' conflict resolution

there's a trick i invented
called the amazing that all depends machine
if you're asked a question, shrug and say
"well that all depends"
it's taken as proof of a reasonable mind
kneejerk as anything else

are there any good rock bands in korea?
there are no good rock bands anywhere
example a, fellow travelers, is incorrect
check out example b
who am i?
why am i here?
well that all depends

with my subjects enlightened
i was free with them to do as i want
led them downhill to the swimming pool
through the chain link fence
fearing mutiny on the high seas
i thought i had goofed
but they were too busy imitating mimes in a phone booth

back up on the ledge
there were six antisocials marching
with stern looks on their faces
and impeccably equipped
in the machine i invented
antisocials are werewolves
pity those who cross them

i took an entry-level course in human manipulation
first day we got photographs and slabs of clay
it was teacher's exercise to see where we're at
she didn't really elaborate
"yo teach," i yelled
"i'm dropping the class
this is moronic"
and then i stormed out
she introduced herself by the lecture room door
said "that was a test and by jove you passed"

meanwhile back at the pool
with the motor lodge guests weeping
i sprouted a beard worthy of the beardgrower's handbook
stripped buck naked
surprise, surprise
nobody knew i was the five-day man-beast




Damaged Goods

i was looking for excuses just to talk to you
i feed your pets when you're away
but your interest in me makes you damaged goods
deflating the fantasy
you're made of roly-polies and grubs and worms and grubs and worms and

please keep your distance
i can't bear to be touched
each of these raincoats weighs a ton
when we french-kissed our mouths were shuffling cards
i didn't ask for any of this
whatever capacity i once had for romance has been shattered
burnt out
beaten into the ground

there's a brick wall of haze between me and the world
i can't communicate with anyone
i can make people laugh
it's easy enough
beyond that i'm question marks and blank stares
word is i was an affectionate baby
how'd i become such a prickly pear?

i exist on a fictional plane
gotta keep the unexpected to a minimum
you've got this pathological need to define things
and i can't even look you in the eye

i swear i'd never fish at you for compliments
reckon now there's not much left to say
i'm disgusted by my lack of experience
and too timid to tell you




My One and Only Masterpiece

i composed a string quartet in the sixth grade
transcribed the score for three of my close friends
then glued the pages together
performed it at a concert
we stayed unrehearsed to keep things fresh
so when our portion of the concert was introduced
we did what we could
that was my one and only masterpiece




Joys of Public Transit

grab your binoculars and come along
onto the morning blimp commuter line
a safari like this is its own reward
trophies are worthless
i bet you're wondering where i got these scars
though politeness makes you look away
it was an accident on a trip last year
thirteenth of november
i see it clearly now through a camera lens
wait, what, there's a camera?

on the morning blimp on a sunny day
a man gave me the evil eye
he had tree trunk legs and a trenchcoat on
fingers made of roots and vines
i sure wasn't crazy 'bout his attitude
and would guess he wasn't fond of mine
he made a slapdash sketch with a felt-tipped pen
two bombs on a chalkboard
half the people jumped to their fiery graves
not so much fiery as sudden and wet
even so, it was a massacre

i took out a lighter and ignited the guy
if he had a neck i'd have wrung it
i was in no mood for games
when the chalkboard caught fire his picture did too
and the airship burst in flames

how do you discipline a terrorist when he doesn't even want to live?
community service like household chores
and running errands for victims
once he's paid his debt to society
he'll feel the burden of his guilt and shame
not the warm embrace of his own martyrdom
hard lessons won't go unlearned
the electric chair is pure spectacle
happens so fast it couldn't possibly hurt

at 4 o'clock i opened the news report
and saw my mugshot sprawled across the page
though my least favorite person sprung the trap
it was i who set the craft ablaze
i told the judge i'm just a good samaritan
but my lawyer said that i was framed
imagine my shock when the roof caved in
time slowed and that's when i realized
the commonwealth needs a new state song
all that mess about rifles and bombs
here's a revision
if you want something, ask
if you need something, say so
and plant more trees
plant more trees
plant more trees




Sinners' Blues Exchange and Emporium

it's been a long time since i cried
it's been a long time since i seen the sky
better wait your turn, honey
rules is rules

the noise you hear is just an illusion
caused by the peace and quiet you've grown accustomed to
and when you wake up
you'll realize nothing was painful
except the light your window let inside

it's been a long time since i cried
it's been a long time since i seen the sky
there's a lot to learn and a lot to lose

your head seems clear despite the confusion
so many kind-hearted people put their trust in you
please don't forsake them
they put food on your table
so do what's right
let their conscience be your guide

all your worries is a layer of skin
keep 'em thoughtful long enough
they'll up and separate




Death and Good Riddance to the LP

the long-playing record is half a century old
fetishized and drooled on
predates in god we trust on coins
not that that means much

shadows cast between the songs at times were beautiful
a piece in stark relief against the whole
it's form over substance
enough is enough
a heroic statement against what?
see every man-made object will disintegrate
even that trumpet guy's trumpet

we file these complaints against nothingness
like there's little nobler than the urge to create
i say death and good riddance to the LP
and its illegitimate daughter the compact disc

the almighty record with a capital R
submitted for public approval
critics and fans make desert island top tens
like if you were stranded
well no one listens to records alone voluntarily
and there's nowhere to plug in a stereo
so even though you can't hear albums on remote desert islands
which ten would you take?

 


Bookbinding and Other Songs - lyrics

171 - Bookbinding
172 - Battle of Wits with the Underbridge Troll
173 - Menlo Park
174 - How Not to Tell a Story 101
175 - One-Armed Circle Jerk
176 - Fingernails
177 - To Have a Foreign Girlfriend: the Video Game
178 - A Love-Wound Telegram from Yours Truly
179 - Run-In with the V.C.C.S.S.
180 - Pickaxe
181 - Cussworthy Habits
182 - Bluesman Impostor Blues
183 - Happenstance
184 - Dictionarily Speaking, Again
185 - Hammock Song


Bookbinding

had i the cards to play i'd play them
if there were souls to save i'd save them
but there aren't so i shall not pretend

couples hold hands and come up with pet names
students take drugs and make paper airplanes
how nice to be so entertained

movies and restaurants bum me out
each a hollow exercise in free will
the one thing i do like you wouldn't believe
eating bookbinding

the older i get the clearer it is
that what once seemed like the distant past
is not really so distant
and the things that i know have not always existed
and i'm not the first person to think this
or put it in words
i strive to be antiquer than the rest

museum exhibits bore me to tears
still-lifes by dead guys who sliced off their ears
the gift shop sells replicas

i forget which arm i used to have privacy with
pornography has lost its appeal
i'd like taking naps but my dreams are arthouse cinema
i much prefer snacking on glue




Battle of Wits with the Underbridge Troll

a chilean sea bass in a man-made lake was hired on as underbridge troll
to get past his keep you must first ask permission
on the very same lake lived a fisherman and a wife
by the lookout perch he caught the fish
that bass sang show tunes oh so loud
release me and i'll shut my mouth
so the fisherman did

the same thing happened two more times
just like a fairy tale should
first mate chuckled when he heard
the fisherman checked his finances
found he could safely retire
crosswords, nightcaps, sleeping late
no more hunts for hooks and bait
pickins were slim

chilean sea bass really draw on your nerves
without the high moral standing of a honey bear
such beasts are not to be trusted
slippery fins and half-truths
rhyming dialogue before the singing would start
talk about a headache on wheels

one day amidst the rocking chair
his old lady broke into song
while reading gazette it's hard to keep focused
and when smoking a pipe he can't even hear himself think
so he changed back into overalls
earplugs might have done the trick
but broadway show tunes make him sick
he forgot about the underbridge troll




Menlo Park

allow introductions and how-do-you-dos
shake my hand
protecting the interests of entrepreneurs
here's my card
get in the ear of the early adapters
the rest are just cavemen

these newfangled gadgets come out every day
no one cares
how might a vendor cut through the noise?
sell his wares?
register all the neighbors as cheapskates
they oughta get with the program

prong two of my two-pronged assault
make people long for the good old days
general stores and bubble gum
nostalgia is the fuel that keeps our ship of progress moving
else how would we know how far we've come?




How Not to Tell a Story 101

it was a porcelain statue of the three little pigs
a man and a woman in an antique shop
the man was genghis khan
the woman was madeline hitler
they'd both chipped in to buy a time machine
to conquer all space-time

whenever they saw an antique shop
madeline hitler made them stop what they were doing
staring at the three little pigs
she said "genghis, aren't they just the darlingest?"
said he "there's no room left in the trunk, you know
maybe we'd best just go"

historical figures don't get along
they're always bickering
have they no people skills?
they're not exactly full of good ideas
always overreacting
mountains from molehills

"if she'd just lose that silly mustache," the mongol whined
"i'd make maddy hitler my concubine"
a face perked up at the register
the geriatric there somehow heard

god put antique shops in the universe
to keep the khan and führer from ruling all creation
as long as she's got money in her purse
madeline will keep them both eternally distracted




One-Armed Circle Jerk

god works in mysterious ways
sometimes he goes to the office on saturdays
cruel composer of the symphony
oh great interpreter of books
that amusement park nightguard
the one-armed circle jerk
perpetrator of the big bang
blood in the garden of eden hose sink
upward and onward

what percentage of things happen for a reason
dictionarily speaking?
maybe .05 at the most
or is talking statistics missing the point?
what a swell conversation
god gave himself opposable thumbs
so he could yank it and make homo sapiens
so we could booze and quit
and then submit to that mild-mannered higher power




Fingernails

rattly hotelface is rattly hotelface
what other details do you want?
he's six foot six and hefty at times
smart enough to wear glasses
too stupid to wash them
double chins and multiple foreheads
never says excuse me

rumor goes he never cuts his fingernails
which wouldn't be so bad except
he keeps this spreadsheet to track his manliest exploits
which base he gets to with what chicks
they're always trying to lady their way out
but he never lets them

"there's a blizzard outside" or some such thing
"you might catch cold
spend the night"
long story short
keep an eye on your drink




To Have a Foreign Girlfriend: the Video Game

to have a foreign girlfriend, the video game
takes hand-eye coordination and steady aim
at first her figures of speech are staticky
but they even out
ease on the joystick to get intimate
you mustn't be too forceful or too delicate
tell her bad stories in a southern drawl
take her to the theater at the strip mall
the boss is dinner with her family
all i can say
"good luck and godspeed"
mash the buttons to make her mother laugh
one wrong move to face her father's wrath
to have a foreign girlfriend, the video game
it's not so simple
lucky you
it comes with a walkthrough




A Love-Wound Telegram from Yours Truly

altruistic winds are blowing you away from me
i could ghostwrite your autobiography
and you wouldn't know the difference
we're a venn diagram
two circles drifting
i call this "portrait of guitarist with no hands"
see you later at the talent show
we'll all be singing saints go marching

please forgive me for remembering
though you begged me not
folks wishing ill and thinking me dumb
we both sitting on land mines

here's to spite
my only motivation
i'm only doing this to prove somebody wrong
it follows, then, that i don't even like it
i'll stop when something better comes along
and so what if i'm using you?
does it hurt?
is it a razorblade?

jaded mudpigs running from home
happiness drained
back away slowly
what looked to be a pond on the horizon
was only a desert mirage




Run-In with the V.C.C.S.S.

we went to the shopping mall for caricatures
instead of the artist it was jye stids
the violent celebrity criminal sports star
with autographs and samples of leg of lamb
microwaveable leg of lamb
when i got to his table i put on my one-man show
for once in my life i got stage fright
"the terrace collapsed" said montague
"shut up, montague" said montague
jye stids just wouldn't applaud
as if my success were his undoing
i slapped his face and slapped sarcastic
then the chase began

stids's weapon of choice was permanent marker
mine was breakneck adrenaline speed
we raced through the mall
past playgrounds and fountains
pedestrian traffic at the dmv
under mechanical losers on stilts
as haitian immigrants looked on disbelieving
i pushed air from my cheeks and moved side to side
had to settle the score
he finally got me
a stab in the eye
i fell into a coma




Pickaxe

i got a shovel
and i got a pickaxe
but i can dig
from the coastal waters up to halifax
i dig so deep and loud i can't tell AM from PM
or AM from FM radio waves

i can count to infinity in a set time
luke bill seth jim
lukey luke lukey bill lukey seth lukey jim
billy luke billy bill billy seth billy jim
sethy luke sethy bill sethy seth sethy jim
jimmy luke jimmy bill jimmy seth jimmy jim
they had a potluck below the earth's crust
but i was broke so instead of a dish i brought napkins

i can also count with the fairer sex
i mean, when i'm feeling overly sexy
beth kate jen liz
bethy beth bethy kate bethy jen bethy liz
katie beth katie kate katie jen katie liz
jenny beth jenny kate jenny jen jenny liz
lizzy beth lizzy kate lizzy jenny lizzy liz
local music is as good a cause as any

off to francisco
gonna see what pans
i can dig
can i ever?




Cussworthy Habits

in the faraway land of ya'asha'wan ta'ah
where stupidity masquerades as decadence
they have cussworthy habits and novelty sex acts
i present this not for my pleasure or yours
my work is that of a scholar

most notable first is the historic house
penetrate each orifice
pretend each is full of interesting facts

how has your social life been?
not very good
i'm a camel
i always spit

they have a tournament
rosy-cheeked butt babies
spank each other raw

no attempts made by men to hide gaseous releases
each man
each a walking talking chemistry lab

they have different thoughts on pedophilia
it's not her current age
it's her age as a widow
if she's 12 and it's serious
and you're 24
subtract 24 from your life expectancy
not so sick now, is it?
what we call robbing the cradle
they call a head start

advice column things are a function of time
it's not cheating if you plan on calling it off

let's take someone from our own hemisphere
a junior in college
he sings a capella and gets straight As
reminds me of me in my werestudent days
you wouldn't know it to look
but he's foot fetishistic
he's not turned on by feet, per se
he just remembers a chat with an ex
about how creepy foot fetishes are
but she dumped him
and ever since
feet remind him of her

we all play out a stereotype
i'm the country doctor




Bluesman Impostor Blues

i paid 30 dollars for this front row seat
he's my biggest musical influence
people write songs about songs about him
can't refer to him directly
i thought he would be older than dirt
whoever this was was 35 tops

he did the popular favorites
same stale joke after each
complaining onstage about the dressing room
he was show biz personified
bet he kept a clown wig in his car just in case
anything for a buck
living legends gotta pay the bills

despite his sunglasses and stumbling around he wasn't blind
not by a long shot
and here's how i knew
describe the color green to someone blind since birth
they won't understand you
but this one, he had tasted the fruit of knowing what green was
he glowed recognition

you could tell where the blackface started and stopped
what with his hawaiian shirt
mason-dixon at his wrists
he should have played a ratty beat-up old instrument
not that hunk of laminate plywood
granted he played a mean harmonica
must be all that practice at bar mitzvahs and weddings
with balloon animals

more concerned with booking next month's gigs
than how many guitar strings
going on and on about a mailing list
even in between verses
for this i wasted my hard-earned?
i came to be moved




Happenstance

how do i explain my misery
without it sounding like i'm whining?
for the sake of discussion
let's call it discontent
honesty was never my strong suit
when people ask me how i'm doing
and i say fine
chances are i'm lying
it must be unpleasant to know someone's depressed
so i toe the party line

i give myself till new year's day
to sort out my affairs
if i can't, death it is
no more ultimatums
my arteries are venetian canals
i've lost my way

if life is worth living i remain unconvinced
i'm only sticking around for the sake of my parents
their every attempt to talk me out of this funk
comes through like a sales pitch for a used car
my dad could just as well not have nancied my mom
i'm here by happenstance
a cosmic accident
yesterday a carpet come out from beneath me
i went from haha crazy to mentally ill
origami unfolded

i give myself what's left of march
to tie up all loose ends
after that april fool's
i'm playing hooky forever
the question's not if
it's when where and how
you've been warned




Dictionarily Speaking, Again

captain sam johnson took a rocket from houston
for a complete dictionary of the milky way
they should've checked first for intelligent life
alas, you can't prove a negative
he expected a minefield of latin roots
what he got was a gut full of asteroids

on the nearest planet to the north star they crashed
without so much as a pronunciation key
having fresh run out, they had to ration supplies
each man got a legal pad
fat lot of good sheets of paper did
till they met the immigrant earthling

at a pavillion with a water pump
in the crater with a pavillion
a woman walked up who hailed from south caroline
mumbling to captain and crew
like a jukebox
"go back to y'all naked homes
back where y'all from
black black yellow yellow white white"

the captain wrote it down and morsed it back post-haste
with a brief annotation for the database
location polaris
spoken by pilgrim or tourist
he quoted her exactly
a publisher cut the part about naked homes
titled it compendium of three words twice

never before has a volume so short
sold so many millions of copies

some say johnson was known to hallucinate
to my mind that borders on reasonable
he was, let's not forget, starving
others say there's no sound in outer space
they're only showing off
these are the sort who call cactuses cacti
and make sure you notice
most others believe in the immigrant pilgrim
and so do i
i've got her in hardback and memorized
black black yellow yellow white white




Hammock Song

i emerged from the coma unscathed
and, having lost all talent for language
found myself starting from scratch
sittin' in a hammock
conjugating verbs
sipping lemonade
the noun spiffers where it wants
a ring is what you put on a finger
a king is a man with a crown
head on pillow means i'm sorry
to say nothing is to wish good luck

i built and staged it most fluidly
lives and dies in the trenches of common sense
preserved or not on the movie sets

jargoneering
pushing formations from the top down
some stick
some don't
i seen subjects crushed alive by predicates

i spew racial epithets not yet existing
consonant vowel consonant
a little slot machine

i whup imaginary friends in homemade spelling bees
and get high marks in grammar at the pie-eating bee
best of all is the silence bee
you just zip up your lips and wait

 


Open Mic at the Peliculum Attic Door - lyrics

186 - The Yard Sale
187 - Summer Flings (Don't Fly in the School Year)
188 - Get Gone, Diabete, Get Gone



The Yard Sale

labeler armed with fresh ink and new tape
he put a price tag on all that he owned
made a flyer announcing a yard sale
just months before selling his home
curious neighbors converged on his lawn
nothing was quite as it seemed
he never set out to mislead them
not once

welcome, dear friends
peruse my possessions
cutlery, cookware and china so rare
a gargoyle statue it pains me to part with
farewell, sweet gargoyle

here comes a gambler desperate for gifts
to win back his eight-year-old's love
material objects, too little too late
wind up in the garbage
that life-sized stuffed lion has caramel gunk
caramel gunk in its mane
and that radio biplane wants a propeller

ladies and gentlemen, browse my belongings
humanoid sunflower with comic strip eyes
jack-in-the-boxes and samurai swords
watch for sharp edges

a woman on business chanced to drive by
a collector of others's junk
she left for the seaport, rental jam-packed
her ship sunk
that grandfather clock came from the dollar store
just look at the pixelized grain
and that family bible was the complete short works of mark twain




Summer Flings (Don't Fly in the School Year)

markers, pens, crayons and pencils
these are my favorite writing utensils
i get them in dozens
i get them from cousins
and when i'm done
i have fun

homecoming's friday
hope you're not busy
i got a learner's permit and i know where you live
they'll be playin' all the hot summer jams
the hot summer jams that they dance to

correlative intensification is not, in fact, our self-imposed exile from the 

denizens of old
but rather, what happens when one contemplates such a juxtaposition
correlative intensification is not, in fact, our self-imposed exile from the 

denizens of old
but rather, what happens when one contemplates such a juxtaposition

calculus kills me
come over and study
i still don't know what a derivative is
what use is a mnemonic device?
mnemonic devices only work with a list

erasers are pink
hallways are wide
when i heard that you dumped me i nearly died
how dense i've been when you made it so clear
summer flings don't fly in the school year




Get Gone, Diabete, Get Gone

i won't be reduced to some gangrene slob
get gone, diabete, get gone
i won't be drawn and quartered or feathered and tarred
get gone, diabete, get gone
i won't be a leech on my HMO
nor a patient for leeching
won't succumb to a diet of papier-mache
get gone, diabete, get gone
the centers for disease control aren't doing their job
got this insulin jones so unkickable
get gone, diabete, get gone

i won't be turned into a three-toed sloth
get gone, diabete, get gone
i won't be no civil war amputee
get gone, diabete, get gone
put your tail between your legs and be outta my sight
and the horse you rode in on
i won't sacrifice my king for a pawn
get gone, diabete, get gone
teenagers get off of my lawn
get gone, diabete, get gone
get gone, diabete, get gone

you runner-up to a dust mite
you backwoods inbreeding scalawag
you sorry excuse for a lymph node
you store-brand version of string cheese
you putrid dehydrated embryo
you lousy wannabe deer tick
you presumptuous out-of-bounds crummy expanse of a cheaply made two-door sedan
the centers for disease control aren't doing their job
they aren't controlling much of anything
get gone, diabete, get gone
and the horse you rode in on

i'm buyin' health food like it's going out of style
get gone, diabete, get gone
cruising my cart down the health food aisle
get gone, diabete, get gone
it's all seaweed and sea slugs and earwigs
and cranberry sauce on thanksgiving
i won't be drawn and quartered or feathered and tarred
get gone, diabete, get gone
this hypodermic syringe is my magic wand
got this insulin jones so unkickable
get gone, diabete, get gone

 


Times New Reinfeld - lyrics

189 - Summer Reading List
190 - Nomenclature of Prehistoric Birds
191 - The Rift Between Radicals and Moderates
192 - Routineagers
193 - Song on Maracas
194 - Slacker/Moneymaker
195 - Office Politics at the Old Philharmonic
196 - Carnival Math Whiz
197 - Middle East Limerick Hour
198 - Gospel Revivalist Blues



Summer Reading List

i woke up as the protagonist of the first item on a summer reading list
it was all very precise if not quite logical
i had the lingering sense of being watched
and was unsure as to whether i could make my own decisions

my forehead is so smooth and unlined they project monster movies on it in the 

summertime
viewings which are denied to me
i'm always looking for a puddle or a window or a mirror




Routineagers

routineagers
stuck in routines
working as lifeguards
stomping out bees
mon tues wednes fri
mon tues wednes fri
paper route paper route

cop loves world
hates words
parchment pavement punishment statement
hundred percent cotton candy
corn on the cob web site-seeing
digital digital d�j� vu

undercover detectives hiding in trees
making their quotas
collecting their fees
renaissance reconnaissance
renaissance reconnaissance
alpha beta gamma bass boost bass boost delta gamma beta alpha check the schedge

routineasaurus hatching up schemes
meteors, flash floods
who saw it coming?
archaeopteryx taking calcium tabs with stegasaurus rex
stegasaurus rex making a scene
swinging his war club
spreading disease
routineagers in juvenile hall
confiscate skateboard handcuffs phone call

routineagers
stuck in routines
out halloweening in new dungarees
crisp oxford shirts and algebra flashcards
-5 equals 4ac




Song on Maracas

i'm not as young as i used to be
each knee a maraca with one seed
a right goodly older than rookies in baseball
not nearly as old as a senator
but i don't need your love

i'm too old to be living at home and too immature to be out on my own
i'm tethered so bad
i'm tethered so bad
carve this address on the head of my tombstone
my bones will know where to go if there's reincarnation

there�s a black metal slide at the end of the ocean and a security guard
he won�t be bribed, tricked or persuaded just do what he says

i swapped my maracas for castanets
when my computer crashed i used four-track cassettes
i swear it's no lo-fi punk affectation
i was just too lazy to buy a replacement
computer guts sit with their shells and fill up my bedroom

now i'm giving my albums away for free
nobody likes them except for me
bet they'd pay to have me leave them alone
how's that for a racket?
i'll buy a saxophone
honk to my heart's content
holding quietude ransom

past the black metal slide is a silver one
a russian, a chinese and a englishman
making small talk about a mutual friend
but that's not why they're there




Slacker/Moneymaker

get the foreman
tell the mine boss
ask somebody why
hazard pay won't feed my family
hang knots won�t untie
at least i'm keeping dry
at least i'm keeping dry

retrofitted limestone caverns keep me underground
i once was lost and still am lost and never will be found
mine shafts jungles wide
mine shafts jungles wide

you in the suit
so relaxed
i envy you your loot but i don't envy you your taxes

the captain of my submarine is mysterious and mean
wanders the deck with a loaded revolver
prisoners stacked so high
prisoners stacked so high

play one in the key of spanish please before i go
our secret's safe as safe can be
heaven calls me nigh
heaven calls me nigh

you up above
having your fiesta in the clouds
i envy you your chips but i don't envy you your salsa

to lie alone on the length of the pier
a wooden plank narrow as shoulders
staring out at the caspian sea
horde for oneself what was not shared with others
in hindsight that was a magnificent craft
and i don't fancy getting my knees wet
so i'll drop it in the water then paddle it out
loch ness or michigan
take your pick




Office Politics at the Old Philharmonic

at the old philharmonic everyone wants to be somebody else
section leaders wish they were conductor
conductor wanna be the board of trustees
the concertgoers wish they were musicians
who in turn want to be the idle rich
not a soul has found a lick of happiness
except the lady bassoonist and me

paycheck to paycheck
substitutes would kill to be gainfully employed
full-timers get bulletproof vests and substitutes get annoyed
the concertmaster is a glorified street thug
knows it's better to be feared than loved
piano wire, brass knuckles
blood on a white satin glove

raise your horn skyward as we do the same
the most chinless sounds you ever heard
who pays the person who's paying the piper?
who's the head honcho who's calling the tune?

witness protection
we're all using fictitious names
i'm always mistaking cello for bass and they always switch places
you can challenge at next week's auditions
maybe even wind up first chair
give your betters the what-for at your own risk
inflate your credentials

we take our directives from on high
mozart is nice but isn't debussy nicer?
if the ends justify the means of production
percussion might serve to do more than keep time

at the old philharmonic everyone wants to be somebody else
not a soul has found a lick of happiness
except the lady bassoonist and me




Carnival Math Whiz

i was a teenage math whiz
i could do problems fast and correct
now it's one or the other, if that
one or the other
my reputation grew exponentially
before double digits i finished with school
and a strange man showed up at my door
then i left home
my folks needed money
was i really so bright
and did i believe my own hype?

i was a carnival math whiz
my stage name was joe fibonacci
i managed to memorize pi and all the prime numbers or else i'd go hungry
i knew .9 repeating was actually 1
but here's what i couldn't have possibly known
you can't be a math whiz forever
you can't be so right for so long

i'd get 23 chumps at my booth
and say "half and half odds two of you share a birthday"
364 over 365 times 363 over 365 times 362 over 365
lather, rinse and repeat till .49

i was a teenage carnival math whiz
but soon met my match in a horse they called hans
clever enough to stomp my head while i was sleeping
now i'm a math whiz no longer




Middle East Limerick Hour

i'm making limericks on the middle east
some day there won't be a middle east to riff on
there mightn't always be a middle east

there once was a lush from dubai
who thought life was easy as pie
the land mass was sinking and he kept on drinking
but never did think to ask why

there once was a man from iraq
who rode on the back of a croc
they floated to egypt 'cause that's where the sea dripped
and the nile turned into a beanstalk

a despot who lived in kuwait was meeting with six heads of state
he held them all ransom while singing an anthem
and licking the peas off his plate

there was a lad from the west bank
who thought it would be a nice prank
he went to the market with nowhere to park it
and no one was watching his flank

there once was a prince from iran
who thought of a marvelous plan
he was so filled with malice
he vacuumed his palace
though such labor wasn't fit for a man
a street vendor roams gaza strip
with a cart full of mint chocolate chip
he has no other flavors and makes you sign waivers
and hands you a cone double-dipped

there's a place called the middle east
where problems are rising like yeast
as chaos ensues i don't read the news
but it makes for good limericks, at least




Gospel Revivalist Blues

it says in the bible thou shalt not kill
but i can't read and that's god's will
i'm gonna do what i damn well please and jesus is my savior

started myself a little gospel band
spreading the gospel through this great big land
sleep in my shoes while my suit's dry-cleaned and call home whenever i can

word of god says thou shalt not steal
all i'm wanting is a home-cooked meal
i've wandered the desert for forty days
these hunger pangs making me crazy

got the voice of an angel and a switchblade
roaming the world the good lord made
concert promoters won't pay up front
got their one-way ticket to hell


Poorest Almanac That Ever Lived lyrics


230 - Ma Nature's Own Shalt Nots
231 - Rubber Tigers
232 - Field Trip
233 - Opera Sushi Ballet
234 - Pink Ballerina
235 - Underground Hip-Hop Sensation
236 - (For You) I Pretend to Like Jazz
237 - I Saw a Booty
238 - People's Republic of Weatherman Is Wrong
239 - I Saw a Booty Backwards
240 - The Science Fair


Ma Nature's Own Shalt Nots

ma nature has her own shalt nots
can't snow past march 15th
you can't outrun a tidal wave
not even track stars
father time has one pet peeve
it's for him to know and you to find out
otherwise all bets are off
have a field day
now the mermaid national anthem
please rise

mermaids don't buy their own groceries
being scavengers they're after venison
don't buy their own mermaids
being groceries they're after scavengers
don't buy their own venison
being mermaids they're after groceries
don't buy their own scavengers
being venison they're after mermaids

if mermaids bought their own groceries
you'd see shopping carts on the beach
if scavengers weren't after venison
they'd eat energy bars
if venison didn't buy mermaids
they'd be herbivores
if groceries couldn't chase scavengers
they'd use missile defense
if scavengers bought their own venison
there'd be less inflation
if mermaids weren't after groceries
they'd be vegetables
when groceries stop buying scavengers
the free market collapses
if venison weren't after mermaids
dead deer wouldn't smell like fish


Rubber Tigers

these rubber tigers
my old companions
they make me not forget the place i'm from
you can't ignore them
but who would want to?
a warm reminder of remindables

when i was in college
last three semesters
i collected stuffed animals of me
my rubber sophomores
they kept me grounded
they kept me mindful of my long-term goals

i think postal workers should keep postage stamps of themselves
i think surgeons should keep lab results from when they were interns

i took a field trip to ellis island
i never left the gift shop
with rubber flashcards and rubber scrapbooks i learned my family history like the back of my hand

i think circuit court judges should frame their juvenile records
i think the government should give everyone free rubber tigers


Field Trip

ellis island took a field trip to baltimore
lady liberty tagged along
she did the breaststroke 'cause the island was crowded
they went to fort mchenry
they met francis scott key
they helped write the star-spangled banner
they said "oh say can you see"
ellis island went to the harbor
ellis island ate pizza
lady liberty ate pizza
no toppings
it was delicious

they went to a graveyard
they got the grand tour
they were chased by the ghost of edgar allan poe
angry drunk and collapsing
they caught their breath

they didn't need a hotel
it was a day trip
ellis knew the statue was the age of consent
she signed her own permission slip
ellis island said "i wanna ride you like a mule
like a mule"
she asking for it, practically
being dressed like that
and did you see what was on the back of her sweatpants?

give me your privileged
your wealthy, your lame
get on, get on, i'm a mule


Opera Sushi Ballet

this is the kiosk you've been looking for on the proper consumption of culture
wheat from the chaff
curds from the whey
opera sushi ballet

opera is like synchronized swimming
with prettier costumes and less chlorine
underwater they can't sing italian
and sopranos don't float
not any that i've seen

the purpose of films is not to see films but only to say that you saw them

sushi is like synchronized swimming
instead of young women it's raw fish and eels
and if the fish move, tell the manager
and if the swimmers don't, pump up them ambulance wheels

admiring yourself in the mirror [whoa]
is not [acceptable] acceptable

ballet is like a puppet show
to communicate they leap through the air
running the gamut of human emotion
love rage love hope despair

thank you for coming to our kiosk on the proper consumption of culture
wheat from the chaff
curds from the whey
opera sushi ballet


Pink Ballerina

i'm so glad i was born a boy
otherwise i'd be a pink ballerina
and if i was i'd spin in circles
not knowing what else to do

where were you when the towers fell?
downloading porn in my dorm room in college
i had just started three weeks before
i was homesick and scared

have you ever been to new orleans?
where were you during hurricane katrina?
in a hot tub at the neighborhood pool
spinning in circles


Underground Hip-Hop Sensation

i'm a underground hip-hop sensation
when's the album coming out?
be patient
when you gonna make another mixtape?
relax, dude, i'm only 26
who's your favorite rapper
do you really have to ask?
my favorite rapper wears a mask

on the hip-hop bell curve i'm almost a no-show
growing my street team steady and slow
my fan base loves me 'cause i'm so obscure
hoarding the secret like a rush hour detour
i got a test tube siamese twin
obsessed with graffiti breakdance beatbox turntablism

i'm a underground hip-hop sensation
i live in my mom's basement
minimal output is the name of the game
minimal output is my middle name
i've recorded five songs
i make words that don't rhyme sound like they do
and make words that do rhyme sound like they might
sometimes i don't rhyme at all
and other times i rhyme just for spite

i tried the needle and the bottle
jesus christ aristotle
i thought a lot about it but i had to stop
the hypocrisy of this world disgusts me

when a tin pan alley writer coined a phrase they would praise him for his freshness and wit
when a radio rapstar does the same
they take it as proof he's illiterate
yeah, it's a bunch of bullshit

when i filled out my tax forms there's a part where it says occupation
i wanted to write in it underground hip-hop sensation
but there aren't enough letters
but when you think about it i'm not really earning any money so there's no tax to be returned to me

i should be prolific but i don't have the time
i'm always searching my own name online
what's this?
another interview?
you're an underground hip-hop sensation
yeah
you got an album coming out
eventually
you're gonna quit making mixtapes
you're putting words in my mouth
you're gonna sell out
listen, if a hundred percent of the people who've heard me like me
then yes, by a certain standard i'm mainstream
but if you consider that the only person who's heard me is me, doesn't that change things?

i recite my lyrics in my head when i swim
doing laps with my siamese twin
i asked him to destroy all my recordings when i die
he said "what recordings?"
so i played him the first of my five songs

i'm a underground hip-hop sensation
when's the album coming out?
be patient
when you gonna make another mixtape?
relax, dude, i'm only 26
who's your favorite rapper
do you really have to ask?
my favorite rapper wears a mask

on the hip-hop bell curve i'm almost a no-show
building my street team steady and slow
my fan base loves me 'cause i'm so obscure
hoarding the secret like a rush hour detour

i'm a underground hip-hop sensation
i live in my mom's basement
minimal output is the name of the game
minimal output is my middle name
familiarity breeds contempt
five songs
and scarcity breeds demand


(For You) I Pretend to Like Jazz

meeting you was like reading for the first time a poem that doesn't rhyme
you make me hypnotize the moon
and this is the sum of every lie i've ever told
hook line and sinker

for you for you i pretend to like jazz
for you i pretend to like jazz

listening to anything from 1959 sent shivers down my spine
some days i never left my room
i blew out my eardrums and wreaked havoc on the walls from autumn till winter

for you for you i pretend to like jazz
for you i pretend to like jazz

for you i bought these horn-rimmed glasses
for you i grew this fake goatee
i use bebop slang when i talk to myself
not even knowing what i say even means

after i got through the box set you lent me i read the booklet that came with it
all these mythical figures suddenly seemed to be fountains of hot air and spit
they're just slicked-up dudes chasing their intellects around
wearing suspenders lest their pants fall down

i don't like jazz
it's sensory overload
there's too many notes
whose idea was it?


I Saw a Booty

i saw a booty the size of mount rushmore
i saw a booty ask what a dick for
i saw a booty descending a stair
i saw a booty with a ribbon in its hair
i saw a booty that just won't quit
i saw a booty as a m�bius strip
i saw two cheeks of a panama canal and two cheeks brand new on a long-lost pal

there was booty graffiti spray-painted white
i count booty for sheep when i can't sleep at night
i saw a booty write a pop song
i smoke my hashish from a booty bong

i saw a booty write a song about a booty written by a booty in the form of a song
i saw a obstacle illusion three cheeks thick
i saw a booty starring in a buddy flick

i saw a booty make the honor roll
i saw a booty on a stripper pole
i met a booty at the meth lab
i saw a booty walking like a crab

i saw the word booty in my alphabet soup
then i saw a booty in my alphabet soup
i asked the waiter what's it doing there
then the waiter turned into a booty

i saw a redneck booty call its grandmother mee-maw
i saw a booty arrested for breaking the law
i saw a booty on two sides of a seesaw
i saw a booty wearin' a bra
i suck lemon-lime soda through a booty-shaped straw
i saw a baby booty go goo goo gah gah

i asked a booty out on a date
the booty said yes but then showed up late 
i saw a booty geodesic dome
i saw two rabid booties less flesh than foam

i saw a booty make a booty call
i saw a booty at the taj mahal
you can't teach a old booty new tricks
but once i saw a booty play chopsticks

i saw a narcissistic booty in love with itself
i saw a ninja booty expert at stealth
look look look there's a booty in my sideview mirror
it's twice as big as it ought to appear
you can't charge a booty with a capital crime
but you can fine a beatnik booty for a slant rhyme

i saw a booty the size of rushmore
i saw a moody teenage booty slam a door
i saw a booty just won't quit
i saw a booty as a m�bius strip
i saw a booty write a pop song
a hundred thousand booties can't be wrong
i saw a booty dodecahedron
i saw a booty think tank backtrack and spin
i saw a booty go under the knife
i saw a booty get a lease on life
i saw a booty
i saw a booty


People's Republic of Weatherman Is Wrong

when he says partly cloudy it's entirely not
when he calls for umbrellas it won't rain a drop
when he says tornado it's the boy who cried wolf
when he goes on vacation there's a hurricane

hear ye, hear ye
it's humid and hot
the prompter tells him when the sleet might stop
tropical system coming in from the gulf
the real threat is that shirt-collar sweat stain

lock him up, string him up
lock him in the news van
any of us could do his job better than he can
at least for once we can all agree
we do agree, don't we?

[people's republic of weatherman is wrong
people's republic of weatherman is wrong]

a secret handshake and club won't do
we need a minister of culture
a full-blown what-have-you
slogans, pamphlets, standing ovations
standing ovations till the cows come home

who runs this tribunal of braniacs?
freedom is freedom, amen


The Science Fair

honorable mention at the science fair
parent or guardian made my volcano
baking soda
salt and vinegar
sour cream and onion
a potato can power a digital clock
copper electrode
copper zinc diode
get a load of my calculator watch
and this clock backpack
high correlation between wearing them and getting punched out
human nature on a scatterplot
don't talk to me about clocks
i got clocks out the yin yang

for most everyone there it was a sex romp
that girl with braces with the specs so thick
you could see light refracting
the closest i got to getting laid
was a school trip chaperone tried to share my hotel room
no matter how many hands you stick down your pants
you'll still be a virgin
now get out there and be someone
or else

elasticity of rubber bands in milk
skim, 1 percent, 2 percent, whole, half and half
hypothesis, variable, data, control

among learned men an apprentice emerges
to carry the flame
to take the baton
all these paragons of the search for truth
in their free time read about goblins

then from the concession stand
a pickled dove and tuna fish sandwich
a single graffito in a toilet stall
one need not multiply entities

if knew now what i knew then
i could cure AIDS and cancer

inkblot test for lefties and righties
innies and outies
due to a sample pool all prepubescent
no discernible pattern

no criticism, however severe, could shake my delusions of grandeur

honorable mention at the science fair
parent or guardian made my volcano
baking soda
salt and vinegar
sour cream and onion