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Lyrics on symbols page
mp3 [4.27 MB] | Appears on Times New Reinfeld
at the Old Philharmonic everyone wants to be somebody else
section leaders wish they were conductor
conductor wanna be the Board of Trustees
the concertgoers wish they were musicians
who in turn want to be the idle rich
not a soul has found a lick of happiness
except the lady bassoonist and me
paycheck to paycheck
substitutes would kill to be gainfully employed
full-timers get bulletproof vests and substitutes get annoyed
the concertmaster is a glorified street thug
knows it’s better to be feared than loved
piano wire, brass knuckles
blood on a white satin glove
raise your horn skyward as we do the same
the most chinless sounds you ever heard
who pays the person who’s paying the piper?
who’s the head honcho who’s calling the tune?
witness protection
we’re all using fictitious names
I’m always mistaking cello for bass and they always switch places
you can challenge at next week’s auditions
maybe even wind up first chair
give your betters the what-for at your own risk
inflate your credentials
we take our directives from on high
Mozart is nice but isn’t Debussy nicer?
if the ends justify the means of production
percussion might serve to do more than keep time
at the Old Philharmonic everyone wants to be somebody else
not a soul has found a lick of happiness
except the lady bassoonist and me
mp3 [4.43 MB] | Appears on Recording Artist
ostrich in charge of a goat herd
ostrich in charge of a goat herd
using his neck as a lasso
using his neck as a lasso
no other ostrich does it quite like him
OICOAGH, OICOAGH
OICOAGH, OICOAGH
he’s got a sidekick or a deputy
Miracle the Underhen as proud as can be
but ostriches don’t sleep with their eyes closed
and some of them never sleep
if there’s one thing he’s good at it’s walking backwards
if there’s one thing he’s bad at it’s keeping on task
especially when he sees a cocoon
with his beak he fondles it lovingly
cocoon I love you
you’ll be butterflies
zebra in charge of a zebra
zebra in charge of a zebra
walking around with a sundial
walking around with a sundial
they’re both late for dinner but their stripes are all on time
Z-I-C-O-A, Z-I-C-O-A-Z
Z-I-C-O-A, Z-I-C-O-A-Z
you’ve got a sidekick or a deputy
Miracle the Underhen proud as can be
cut that lady rooster down to size
ostrich in charge of a goat herd
ostrich in charge of a goat herd
wrassles ’em down with a lasso
wrassles ’em down with a lasso
no other ostrich does it quite like him
mp3 [1.57 MB] | Appears on Bookbinding and Other Songs
God works in mysterious ways
sometimes he goes to the office on Saturdays
cruel composer of the symphony
oh great interpreter of books
that amusement park nightguard
the one-armed circle jerk
perpetrator of the Big Bang
blood in the Garden of Eden hose sink
upward and onward
what percentage of things happen for a reason, dictionarily speaking?
maybe .05 at the most
or is talking statistics missing the point?
what a swell conversation
God gave himself opposable thumbs
so he could yank it and make homo sapiens
so we could booze and quit and then submit to that mild-mannered higher power
mp3 [3.69 MB] | Appears on What the Fuck are the Blues?
I’m a public official brought to shame
no other desire than to clear my name
I called a press conference but no reporters came
so I told the truth to an empty room
but turns out I spoke too soon
a man walks in with a face like the man in the moon
says he works for some magazine
wants to do a piece on me
so we head down to the nearest saloon
I hem and haw about law and order and he pulls out a tape recorder
I’d murder for a sympathetic ear
he thanks me for my time and we shake hands
I pay the bill and he leaves me there cryin’ in my beer
with me on the cover of the magazine it sells like hotcakes
but the story is not flattering at all
I’m not a bettin’ man but if I was I’d put money on my lousy reputation
I got the only biographer blues
no one believes a word I say
strike it from the record, please
I’m nothin’ what I seem
I’m not a bettin’ man but if I was
see journalists would do anything to get ahead
for them there’s a special place in hell
that son of a bitch got a book deal, lucky him
they put a copy in my prison cell
who on Earth is gonna show my side?
only time can tell
best case scenario I’d write the thing myself under a pseudonym
they won’t suspect it’s me
every fifteen pages I’d make myself look bad
but not so bad the reader thinks I’m guilty
my fate was sealed the moment I was arrested
an honest book won’t see the light of day
I’m not a praying man but if I was
I’d wish away these lies and allegations
I got the only biographer blues
no one believes a word I say
strike it from the record please
I’m nothin’ what I seem
I’m not an evil man and I never was
mp3 [1.98 MB] | Appears on Poorest Almanac That Ever Lived
this is the kiosk you’ve been looking for on the proper consumption of culture
wheat from the chaff
curds from the whey
opera sushi ballet
opera is like synchronized swimming
with prettier costumes and less chlorine
underwater they can’t sing Italian
and sopranos don’t float
not any that I’ve seen
the purpose of films is not to see films but only to say that you saw them
sushi is like synchronized swimming
instead of young women it’s raw fish and eels
and if the fish move, tell the manager
and if the swimmers don’t, pump up them ambulance wheels
admiring yourself in the mirror [whoa]
is not [acceptable] acceptable
ballet is like a puppet show
to communicate they leap through the air
running the gamut of human emotion
love rage love hope despair
thank you for coming to our kiosk on the proper consumption of culture
wheat from the chaff
curds from the whey
opera sushi ballet
mp3 [6.07 MB] | Appears on Summer Jams of re-Itori Jones
[outsider art]
are you hip enough to like it?
[outsider art]
are you sick enough to make it?
it walks like a duck and it quacks like art
[but is it art?]
yes it’s art
it’s outsider art
[outsider art]
makes for good conversation
[outsider art]
you need a real art vacation
[outsider art]
yeah it’s so great
while supplies last
don’t be late
here’s a six foot ear made out of earwax
a six foot thumb made out of thumbtacks
a sculpture of the word anthrax made out of anthrax
a painting of knockwurst made out of knickknacks
you buy from me you don’t pay sales tax
’cause all of my pieces were swiped by kleptomaniacs
every now and then I have panic attacks
I smash the whole gallery with an axe
I’ll send you a price quote by fax
that’s short for facsimile
it’s a thing of the past
a metaphor for society
how we live so fast
yours for 10 grand while supplies last
yes I just sold you a fax machine
but a nice homeless man painted it green and called it The Frog Darlene
Ribbit Ribbit Croak Number 15
anthrax ear
20,000
anthrax thumb
30,000
anthrax anthrax
40,000
anthrax death taxx
50,000
asbestos anthrax smallpox abstracts
lab rats in backpacks
short stack of flapjacks
dead dogs from the racetracks
asbestos asbestos
nail clipping mosaic
still life of lilacs
[outsider art]
are you itching to try it?
[outsider art]
are you rich enough to buy it?
it walks like a duck and it quacks like art
[but is it art?]
yes it’s art
it’s outsider art
outsider art
makes for good conversation
outsider art
you need a real art vacation
outsider art
yeah it’s so great
so let’s cut the red tape and shake hands with fate
The Movie Tall Phone is tall and well-liked by everyone
it has a spoiler alert
it has a robot pet named Spoiler Alert
I’m not a roboticist
The Movie Tall Phone tells the plot of a movie
you call it
not like a phone but like a dog like Spot
what happened in that movie?
Movie Tall Phone, quarter million
Spoiler Alert, also quarter million
I’ll part ways with the green fax machine for a thousand
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