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mp3 [3.73 MB] | Appears on Las Vegas or Bust

oh my jammibeans
hey hey hey
they make me happy
they keep me sane

when I don’t have them
the days seem long
I need that protein
it makes me strong

whoa cow’s milk
cow’s milk is for babies
I want some jammibeans
I want some jammibeans right now

the people in charge
they wanna shut us down
it takes honor from the game they say
as if it had any to begin with

think of the children
what message does it send?
when John Doe, Jr.’s hero is a dope fiend
he’ll have to look up to his old man

whoa cow’s milk
cow’s milk is for babies
I want some jammibeans
I want some jammibeans right now


Jonathan Swift

mp3 [3.96 MB] | Appears on Electrocution vs. Henry the Weekday Dunce

the path I hope to pave will bring uncertainty and dread along the way
as careless as I may seem I cleaned up every single mess I ever made
sobriety is hell
everybody knows it
when I see things as they are I get suicidal
and sometimes I feel like Jonathan Swift

I hitchhiked far too long
I’ve lost track of which continent I’m on
the landscape stays the same
impending doom any given time of day
storm clouds to the East
earthquakes on the faultline
keep a watchful eye
right place at the right time
at sundown I head back home

the floodgates open wide
when there’s water on the ground it’s six feet high
facedown I float away and surrender to the physics of the tide
when the weather fits my mood I say it’s there to mock me
I surround myself with friends so why am I so lonely?
I’d take their place if I could


Joys of Public Transit

mp3 [5.69 MB] | Appears on Greg Reinfeld & the Opinionettes

grab your binoculars and come along
onto the morning blimp commuter line
a safari like this is its own reward
trophies are worthless
I bet you’re wondering where I got these scars
though politeness makes you look away
it was an accident on a trip last year
thirteenth of November
I see it clearly now through a camera lens
wait, what, there’s a camera?

on the morning blimp on a sunny day
a man gave me the evil eye
he had tree trunk legs and a trenchcoat on
fingers made of roots and vines
I sure wasn’t crazy ’bout his attitude
and would guess he wasn’t fond of mine
he made a slapdash sketch with a felt-tipped pen
two bombs on a chalkboard
half the people jumped to their fiery graves
not so much fiery as sudden and wet
even so, it was a massacre

I took out a lighter and ignited the guy
if he had a neck I’d have wrung it
I was in no mood for games
when the chalkboard caught fire his picture did too
and the airship burst in flames

how do you discipline a terrorist when he doesn’t even want to live?
community service like household chores
and running errands for victims
once he’s paid his debt to society
he’ll feel the burden of his guilt and shame
not the warm embrace of his own martyrdom
hard lessons won’t go unlearned
the electric chair is pure spectacle
happens so fast it couldn’t possibly hurt

at 4 o’clock I opened the news report
and saw my mugshot sprawled across the page
though my least favorite person sprung the trap
it was I who set the craft ablaze
I told the judge I’m just a Good Samaritan
but my lawyer said that I was framed
imagine my shock when the roof caved in
time slowed and that’s when I realized
the Commonwealth needs a new state song
all that mess about rifles and bombs
here’s a revision

if you want something, ask
if you need something, say so
and plant more trees
plant more trees
plant more trees


Judy Is Judy Is Christopher

mp3 [3.5 MB] | Appears on Greg Reinfeld & the Opinionettes

Judy Judy woke up today distressed and beat down
piecing together her night on the town
in altered states she converts people to Islam
funny how she’s never even read the Quran
but this morning she’s been doing some thinking
now Judy is Judy is Christopher

the princess always goes with the tap-dancing prince
time to take her body for a spin
she got some power hookers and deceived even them
like getting citrus through customs

next on the list is replacing the wardrobe
swapping old rags for more masculine clothes
in the changing room she stands by the mirror
hasn’t seen her reflection in over a year
she’s trying on undershirts and taking them off again
Judy is Judy is Christopher

she made a clean escape from her gender and her fate
long before her menopause kicked in
it’s a race against time and she’s hoping to win
it’s only a board game


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