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Kalimba Waltz

mp3 [13.7 MB] | Appears on Spring Cleaning

I sent a manuscript to a publishing house and they threw it away
I followed up with a phone call and they said they’re not interested
not today
they said keep it up
don’t abandon your dreams
you’ve got talent and potential
more ambition than common sense, perhaps
but you knew that, right?

I sent a screenplay to a festival
my application fee paid
I kept a copy in my vestibule
threw myself a parade in the hallway
they tore what I did to smithereens
told me I’m awful
said I’ll never amount to anything but I’ll prove them wrong
I’m a visionary
I’ll go down in history
after what they did to me they’ll be sorry
a piece of trivia
can you believe so-and-so turned that writer down?
yes, it boggles the mind
it boggles the mind

is it better to be a small fish in a big pond
or a piranha in a bathtub?
would you rather be a heroic outsider iconoclast
or a member of a exclusive club?
what’s worse: being a square peg in a round hole or a round peg in a square hole?
every other poseur who comes along stands in awe of you
you’ve arrived, my friend
you’ve arrived

creative people are the scum of the earth
they think they do the world a goddamn favor
the rest of you are knights in shining armor with TV remotes
unless you put pen to paper
all you sinners who linger in an intellectual hell
let me be your savior
I’m so important I can barely even stand it
I’m so important I can hardly even see

the artist wants to be universally adored
and won’t settle for love with a flesh-and-blood person
you say the time it would take is time you can’t afford
but that’s just a diversion
please pull off the masks that I wear outside
please tear down the barriers I hide behind
i’d do the same for you


Killer Dustman Driver’s Ed

mp3 [5.17 MB] | Appears on re-Itori Pleads the 18th Dimension

wake up, teenage sleepyhead
it’s time for Killer Dustman Driver’s Ed
he’ll teach you how to run people over
screams barely heard above the hum of the motor
KD is made out of ski slope snow
keeps the AC at forty below
"forty below what," you ask
forty below zero now stay on task
"sorry, do you mean Fahrenheit or Centigrade? "
it’s cold just buckle up, comprende?
throwing coins as you fly through the toll booth
custom sign says student teacher on the roof
like I said he’s made out of ski slope snow
fresh out of the blower and he’s raring to go
you can’t pack it eat it or put it in your mitten
shake hands with him you’ll get frostbitten

no corn cob pipe he’s smoking a bowl
gettin baked but not melted is the dustman’s goal
traffic laws are just rigamarole
they don’t have traffic laws at the North Pole
a pitstop for grub at the fast food drive-through
teacher’s pets get lead in their shoe
please use sunscreen, please wear shades
as we bounce down the arcades
all hail the Killer Dustman

never cross a double yellow line
unless it’s to bounce off a cyclist or street sign
that’s what you get for jaywalking
chalk traces of bodies keep police cadets talking
silhouettes of victims’ bones
other driving schools use traffic cones
Killer Dustman can’t be bothered to shave
stubble gonna grow till he’s in his grave
Killer Dustman lost his job driving a bus

it’s like a big game of Simon Says
except that Simon always says
Simon the Dustman wears a bright red fez
his cheat sheet book has so many pages
black double diamond level flat
bet you never thought of such a thing as that
put your hands at ten and two o clock
shock absorbers absorbing 90 percent of the shock
parallel parking with the radio blasting classic rock

cops pop out of the woodwork on a black diamond
mind your peripheral vision and you’ll impress Simon
so fun crushing pedestrians you’ll never meet
lesson’s done and he drops you off on the street
sea salt on snacks is his Achilles’ heel
still he’s a maniac behind the wheel
then it’s back to the ski resort for rejuvenation
leaving powder trails and echoes of radio station
time to cram for the final exam of the Killer Dustman

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