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Ma Nature’s Own Shalt Nots

mp3 [2.61 MB] | Appears on Poorest Almanac That Ever Lived

Ma Nature has her own shalt nots
can’t snow past March 15th
you can’t outrun a tidal wave
not even track stars
Father Time has one pet peeve
it’s for him to know and you to find out
otherwise, all bets are off
have a field day
now the Mermaid National Anthem
please rise

mermaids don’t buy their own groceries being scavengers they’re after venison don’t buy their own mermaids being groceries they’re after scavengers don’t buy their own venison being mermaids they’re after groceries don’t buy their own scavengers being venison they’re after mermaids

if mermaids bought their own groceries you’d see shopping carts on the beach
if scavengers weren’t after venison they’d eat energy bars
if venison didn’t buy mermaids they’d be herbivores
if groceries couldn’t chase scavengers they’d use missile defense
if scavengers bought their own venison there’d be less inflation
if mermaids weren’t after groceries they’d be vegetables
when groceries stop buying scavengers the free market collapses
if venison weren’t after mermaids dead deer wouldn’t smell like fish


Make My Boredom Disappear

mp3 [4.67 MB] | Appears on Skeletons

someone make my boredom disappear
I know, I know, it’s better than pain
when you’re in pain you got something to fight for
live your life in boredom intentions fall like rain
hey, hey
and through my motel window I can see fog
eerie as it seems I don’t care ’cause I got my TV
it lights my way back home

rot my skull with trash, yeah it just ain’t true
intercept my narrow point of view
eerie as it seems I’m left alone with some kind of enemy

someone make my anger turn to lust
put my brain on rye bread
it still tastes like earth


Martial Arts Film Star

mp3 [6.06 MB] | Appears on re-Itori Pleads the 18th Dimension

I took a walk
it was a good walk
I didn’t go too far
I’d have gone a greater distance and in less time if I had taken my car
I showered then went to meet a friend at the bar
in the parking lot we started to spar
I won ’cause I’m a martial arts film star

I like playing soccer and hockey simultaneously
I can bicycle kick with ice skates on
nothing too fancy
my mother’s mother’s name was Mee-Maw but I called her Nancy
I wonder if she were alive today would she still like me?
of course she would
I’m a martial arts film star

it’s the last three minutes of a kung fu flick
seeing the bad guy on screen so late makes me want to be sick
he’s so mean and his eyes fill the screen but I’m so athletic
as unarmed as I was on the day I was born but he’s got a wooden stick
there’s a sequel so the ending is not hard to predict


Mayor of Silicon Valley

mp3 [11.9 MB] | Appears on Spring Cleaning

holy cow I’ve watched a lot of pornography
i’ve seen so much my vision is blurry
every naked body looks the same to me
I can’t look at others objectively
monday morning when I walk into the office first thing I wonder is how many of these people have seen each other with their clothes off
do they get it at home?
when was the last time
that’s what I want to know

I’m a little young to be a CEO
I run a tech startup
26 years old but
I’ve never even had sex before
I’ve barely even kissed anyone
I’m a fucking virgin
this girl I kissed was onstage in a school play
what the fuck is wrong with me?

as I child I was a wizard with circuit boards
I reverse-engineered them
a rat’s nest of cables and cords
I won science awards
guess what my allowance would go towards
fair enough, but it was all an act
to make myself unknowable and that’s a fact
instead of passing notes I’d pass academic abstracts
schematics in my backpack

I was afraid of girls even before puberty hit
my friends would talk about their crushes and my throat would constrict
I mean I knew who I liked but why would I tell them?
why would I tell anyone?
it’s my problem

I was raised to keep my hands to myself
prudish politeness is the hand I was dealt
my overbearing conscience was no help
even when touching is appropriate I can’t tell

philosophers call this beard problem
when you have two extremes on a continuum
for instance, if I shaved an hour ago I don’t have a beard
but I do
but I don’t
is there such thing as a beard?
just ’cause there’s grey area in the middle doesn’t mean there’s no difference between none and a little
or a little and lot
for once let’s not talk shop
my heart stops when I think about the Sphinx’s riddle
there’s no limbo or purgatory, only heaven and hell
where is the line drawn, pray tell?

you got consent between adults and on the other end rape
seduction is a trick and courtship is red tape
wait, that’s psychotic
I take it back
I just don’t understand it and that’s that
maybe it’s more a question of boundaries
or not seeing the forest for the trees or
standing at a doorway with no keys
locking eyes makes me a stalker and I freeze

in my 10th grade yearbook a friend drew a stick figure comic
me and a prostitute in a motel
she’s turning a trick
I got cash in my hand and I’m just about to get some
[and] the caption said
don’t worry, dude
that day will come
that was ten years ago, man
that was a decade
I’m in my mid-twenties and I never been laid
me, the writer of tutorials, for fuck’s sake
if brain cells were coins I’d be a piggy bank
what is this, some kind of
some kind of fucking practical prank?
bust me open

I have a genius mask and it’s very realistic
alas, it’s just a mask
in the romance department I was just too late
I never even got out of the gate
truth is I don’t even know what I’m missing
listen, all I know about that’s from watching television
aurora borealis is nice, right
but why would I risk dissapointment over ignorant bliss?
how could reality compete with my imagination?
why would I ever want to jump the Grand Canyon?
what’s the point of slaying your last dragon?
what’s left to do after that?

I couldn’t persuade a hooker to fuck me
I couldn’t get a full tank of gas in New Jersey
even if I were swimming in money
I’m the mayor of Silicon Valley
when VIPs visit I give ’em the key to the city
I’m a man about
man about town

I wouldn’t call myself a prude
i’ve just never been in a situation where I could seize the day, so to speak
maybe not having sex is the symptom, not the disease
love is the thing that matters
that’s what I keep hearing
but it’s inaccessible to me so I’ll take your word for it
and I hope while you’re on this earth you bring pleasure to those around you

what if I taste like creek water?
I’d just be bad at it, honestly, why even bother?
my grandfather asks "how’s your love life?"
I tell him, "gee, things are pretty busy with the company
I don’t have time for things like
I barely have enough time to think"
meanwhile my contemporaries are having a swashbuckling adventure
finding buried treasure in the bodies of strangers
while deviants play less vanilla than thou
people actually do that?
holy cow


Menlo Park

mp3 [2.04 MB] | Appears on Bookbinding and Other Songs

allow introductions and how-do-you-dos
shake my hand
protecting the interests of entrepreneurs
here’s my card
get in the ear of the early adapters
the rest are just cavemen

these newfangled gadgets come out every day
no one cares
how might a vendor cut through the noise?
sell his wares?
register all the neighbors as cheapskates
they oughta get with the program

prong two of my two-pronged assault
make people long for the good old days
general stores and bubble gum
nostalgia is the fuel that keeps our ship of progress moving
else how would we know how far we’ve come?


Middle East Limerick Hour

mp3 [3.52 MB] | Appears on Times New Reinfeld

I’m making limericks on the Middle East
some day there won’t be a Middle East to riff on
there mightn’t always be a Middle East

there once was a lush from Dubai
who thought life was easy as pie
the land mass was sinking and he kept on drinking
but never did think to ask why

there once was a man from Iraq
who rode on the back of a croc
they floated to Egypt ’cause that’s where the sea dripped
and the Nile turned into a beanstalk

a despot who lived in Kuwait was meeting with six heads of state
he held them all ransom while singing an anthem
and licking the peas off his plate

there was a lad from the West Bank
who thought it would be a nice prank
he went to the market with nowhere to park it
and no one was watching his flank

there once was a prince from Iran
who thought of a marvelous plan
he was so filled with malice
he vacuumed his palace
though such labor wasn’t fit for a man

a street vendor roams Gaza Strip
with a cart full of mint chocolate chip
he has no other flavors and makes you sign waivers
and hands you a cone double-dipped

there’s a place called the Middle East
where problems are rising like yeast
as chaos ensues I don’t read the news
but it makes for good limericks, at least


A Million State Funerals

mp3 [3.05 MB] | Appears on Las Vegas or Bust

with the stops out it’s unbearably loud
makes it all seem more tragic than it is
I play every dirge I know and the crowd is moved to tears
I’m a professional

the body in the casket looks the same each time
how many clones can one man have?
when the pundits call him a martyr for the cause
I wonder what cause?
surviving longer than the last guy?

the headline has been in rotation for years
they don’t even change one word
"he perished at the hands of assassins and thieves
all seven men remain at large"

it’s white noise and really I couldn’t care less
still I play those soul-crushing basslines
they’ve been calling me first because I’ll do it for cheap
I’ve learned to take that as a compliment


Missing Link (Ode to Bigfoot)

mp3 [5.33 MB] | Appears on No Destination

lemme tell you ’bout a girl I know
they call her Bigfoot and I love her so
and I’ll tell you this from the very start
the girl’s got hair on every body part

[Bigfoot] get her out of my head
[Bigfoot] get her out of my bed

and I don’t care about her hairy back
oh I don’t care if her tongue is black
I don’t care if she’s got pubic lice
the girl’s a beast but she still looks nice

[Bigfoot] get her out of my mind
[Bigfoot] what a hairy behind

they say that beauty’s on the inside
in your case it’s true
’cause I’d tear my eyes out to get inside your heart
live a life of humiliation just to be with you

I fell in love with her in physics class
I’m such a sucker for that hairy
so maybe hygiene ain’t her thing
she likes to dance, she likes to sing
oh, Bigfoot, I love you
no matter what the people from animal control say

[Bigfoot] I swallowed hair when we kissed
[Bigfoot] but she’s so hard to resist

oh I don’t care if you’re gross
as long as you are close to me
oh I don’t care what the people from animal control say
they’re never never gonna take you away
take you away from me
I’m never gonna let you go
take you away from me
you’re the hairiest girl I know
see if I had a razor I tell you what I’d do, yeah
I’d give that girl a shave and a shampoo, yeah
if I had a razor I tell you what I’d do, now
I’d give that girl a shave and a shampoo
oh, Bigfoot it’s true

hey baby
I wanna know where you’re running to
you might be hairy
you know I love you anyway
I wanna know where you’re going


Misunderstanding at a Grocery Store

mp3 [3.3 MB] | Appears on Live Inside an Active Volcano

I was pulling an all-nighter on a lily pad
somewhere between depressed and sad
when I decided I wanted to be a cook or a chef
so I told my mom and I told my dad
and they said that idea’s not half bad
so I packed a duffle, ate a bowl of flies and left
hitchhking’s not what it used to be
every motorist pretended not to see me

I knew it was time to take a different tack
so I went back to the pond and unpacked
bought some plastic vegetables and bought some plastic fruit
put on my birthday suit then balanced my checkbook
a nice young man gave me a ride
when I said I had business in town that was a lie

at a farmers market I set up my crates
to sell counterfeit goods at discount rates
a greengrocer thought it was a bargain, bought the booth as is
the fruits, the vegetables, and me
I reminded myself this is not what I want
I wanted to work in a restaurant

next thing I know I was in a grocery store
me and a barrel of apples fell on the floor
an employee put me in the overripe produce bin
’cause of the the warts on my skin, probably
later I was weighed and placed in a thin plastic bag
I didn’t have a sticker or a price tag

15 item limit in the express lane
no dividers made it as messy as a chess game
capturing pieces, sorry is that yours, beg your pardon
hey what’s that behind the milk carton?
eek an amphibian, I already reached 15
Ma’am, you’d better return the peaches or the lima beans
oh wait, we have a special on toads and frogs
buy zero, get one free


Moogiles the Prophet

mp3 [3.46 MB] | Appears on Music for a Snuff Film

Moogiles was a prophet
he told the truth sometimes
his words were vague

Moogiles won the lottery
opened up a fortune telling stand
a thousand people came
’cause no one tells the future like a foreign-looking man

he took my wallet and my keys
the door was locked when I came in
he took a crowbar to my head
he read my palm and told me things are gonna work out fine

Moogiles he went bankrupt
filled out the Chapter 7 forms
he lost his mind
he lost his mind

the first time that I met him
I didn’t know which country he was from
he came from Indiana
used to have a tree farm

they found his body in the park
he made a noose out of a swing
a note was written on his thigh
they couldn’t read it ’cause his sweat made the ink bleed


Moon Learning

mp3 [3.4 MB] | Appears on Las Vegas or Bust

your son, if you enroll him
will get a top-notch education
it’s all synched up to the master clock
so while he’s here you both can sleep soundly
the further teachers stray from the lesson plan
the more likely the machine is to replace them

in the morning it’s penmanship
the ink curdles by mid-afternoon
it keeps everyone’s ego in check
all evidence of progress is gone

he’ll get his first girl the same instant as his peers
and learn beethoven’s fifth on the violin
it’s less a one-room schoolhouse than a state of mind
the class pet is a primate-shaped cat
your son will feed it

you’ll notice a change when he’s back on vacation
not to mention each time he writes home
with tuition paid in full he’ll stop using slang
the boy will speak better English than you

he’ll score a 90 percent on every exam
and fall off the monkey bars six times a year
he’ll have himself a gang of situational friends
in this together till the bitter end


My First Wet Dream

mp3 [4.02 MB] | Appears on Las Vegas or Bust

my first wet dream was a terrible thing
every time I think about it I cringe
I’m not telling you this just to get a reaction
it’s just talkin’ about war makes me sad

I’m on an eighth grade field trip
I’m sittin’ on a bench by myself
I lost the group to buy some saltwater taffy

I hear footsteps
four at a time
it’s a half-naked woman on a horse
yeah she’s calling to me in a language I don’t understand

before I know it I’m on my back on the horse and she’s on top of me
I swear there’s a law about woman on top in the state where I’m from

I extend my neck back and start kissing the horse
I concentrate as hard as I can
I was raised by TV
I’m multitasking
that lady’s so experienced
it was a threesome of sorts and I still don’t know who won


My One and Only Masterpiece

mp3 [2.41 MB] | Appears on Greg Reinfeld & the Opinionettes

I composed a string quartet in the sixth grade
transcribed the score for three of my close friends
then glued the pages together
performed it at a concert
we stayed unrehearsed to keep things fresh
so when our portion of the concert was introduced
we did what we could
that was my one and only masterpiece


My Son the Bakery Doctor

mp3 [2.56 MB] | Appears on Recording Artist

with a doop-de-doop-boo

the rugulas have hootchkalahs
the rugulas have hootchkalahs with a doop-de-doop-boo

rugulas are pastries
rugulas are pastries with a doop-de-doop-boo

hootchkalahs are skin tags
hootchkalahs are skin tags with a doop-de-doop-boo

the pastries all have skin tags
the pastries all have skin tags with a doop-de-doop-boo

the skin tags all have pastries
the skin tags all have pastries with a doop-de-doop-boo

the hootchkalahs have rugulas
the hootchkalahs have rugulas
with a doop-de-doop-boo


My Spanish Teacher Ran Away

mp3 [5.76 MB] | Appears on No Destination

my Spanish teacher ran away back in freshman year
she was sick of us cheating on exams and copying homework
so she put an end to her career

tienen un examen mañana
necesitan una hoja de papel
and if I see you cheat on this one
I swear to God this time you’re going to hell
oh operator please give me number nine
I swear these pesky kids make me old before my time
you tell the school board I’m in Texas for a while
there ain’t no stupid kids for at least 100 miles
cuando la vida está muy dificil
hasta luego

¿donde están mis pantalones?
without them I won’t get far
see the only way I can hide my body parts is to pick up my guitar

I guess I’ll try and make it out here on my own
there ain’t no rowdy kids prank-calling on the phone
and if they try to reach me I’ll pack my bags and run
gonna find a convent and turn into a nun

quiero ir al Mexico
I’m leaving on the train
the only thing I liked here was ingesting acid rain

I try to make a living with the horses and the steers
time till my pension was another thirty years
you tell my students that I’m passed out on the floor
and that the substitute’s a scab and nothing more
she’s gonna run away and share a drink with me
and it’s not iced tea

necesito ir al Mexico
it’s the place where I belong
I’m gonna cross the border once I finish up this song
the only thing I’m looking for is a little peace of mind
when you live the traveler’s life you never look behind


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