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Pair Off and Multiply

mp3 [3.78 MB] | Appears on Music for a Snuff Film

come too soon or not at all
that’s the choice I gotta make
she’s a vicious, vicious girl
but she looks so good in a summer dress

radio’s on scan
the songs all sound the same
it’s Daylight Savings Time again
push down on the brakes
breathmint in my hand
pulled in the shoulder and I laughed out loud

oh we’re running out of gas again
hey it looks like we’re alone
we could call someone but I can’t find my phone
it’s getting late

the sun came up at noon
her skin was turning green
her arms and legs were numb
that’s when she noticed her extra teeth

I said calm down, calm down, I can explain everything
she said "my watch says 12 o’clock
why’s the sun so far away?"
I said "we spent the night on a spaceship in the sky
now let’s go home"

radio’s on scan
the songs all sound the same


Passionate About Public Health

mp3 [5.03 MB] | Appears on Wintry Mix

I’m very passionate about public health
if I picked another major I’d be very mad at myself
Mademoiselle consults the Oracle at Delphi
fell for a European tour guide
I’m here at a college network night
I’m readin’ name tags tryin’ to read the names right
hi, how you doin’?
when’d you graduate?
what field are you in?
sorry I can’t stay late
oh, technology
I see you like coffee
do you know they use coffee to make technology?
they also use technology to make coffee
see that coffee carafe?
someone invented that

public health is my area of expertise
if health was a pie everyone would want a piece
we can’t just make like Canada geese and fly away to north south west or east

I wasn’t thrilled with the college administration when I was there
but now that time has healed all wounds I see I was being unfair
they call me all the time asking for money
I say "I have no money, dummy"

anyway, politics, that’s a real racket
it just comes down to money, doesn’t it?
like you line your pockets
I line mine
I align myself with anyone who can give me a dime
I wish the owners of the world were more concerned with the average person
sometimes I wish I were a Martian
you know those canals on Mars, they’re like
they’re like a safety hazard, you know?
like, I’m not a germophobe but if I had the choice I would not go

I know this is a can of worms but space exploration
what are they thinkin’?

here’s my contact information
get in touch, please
I’d like to talk to you sometime more deeply
I’d like to talk to you about public health
but only if you want to


People’s Republic of Weatherman Is Wrong

mp3 [2.47 MB] | Appears on Poorest Almanac That Ever Lived

when he says partly cloudy it’s entirely not
when he calls for umbrellas it won’t rain a drop
when he says tornado it’s the boy who cried wolf
when he goes on vacation there’s a hurricane

hear ye, hear ye
it’s humid and hot
the prompter tells him when the sleet might stop
tropical system coming in from the Gulf
the real threat is that shirt-collar sweat stain

lock him up, string him up
lock him in the news van
any of us could do his job better than he can
at least for once we can all agree
we do agree, don’t we?

[people’s republic of weatherman is wrong
people’s republic of weatherman is wrong]

a secret handshake and club won’t do
we need a Minister of Culture
a full-blown what-have-you
slogans, pamphlets, standing ovations
standing ovations till the cows come home

who runs this tribunal of braniacs?
freedom is freedom, amen



mp3 [2.29 MB] | Appears on Bookbinding and Other Songs

I got a shovel
and I got a pickaxe
but I can dig
from the coastal waters up to Halifax
I dig so deep and loud I can’t tell AM from PM
or AM from FM radio waves

I can count to infinity in a set time
Luke Bill Seth Jim
Lukey Luke Lukey Bill Lukey Seth Lukey Jim
Billy Luke Billy Bill Billy Seth Billy Jim
Sethy Luke Sethy Bill Sethy Seth Sethy Jim
Jimmy Luke Jimmy Bill Jimmy Seth Jimmy Jim
they had a potluck below the Earth’s crust
but I was broke so instead of a dish I brought napkins

I can also count with the fairer sex
I mean, when I’m feeling overly sexy
Beth Kate Jen Liz
Bethy Beth Bethy Kate Bethy Jen Bethy Liz
Katie Beth Katie Kate Katie Jen Katie Liz
Jenny Beth Jenny Kate Jenny Jen Jenny Liz
Lizzy Beth Lizzy Kate Lizzy Jenny Lizzy Liz
local music is as good a cause as any

off to Francisco
gonna see what pans
I can dig
can I ever?


Pickup Lines

mp3 [3.6 MB] | Appears on Electrocution vs. Henry the Weekday Dunce

how many of your neighbors’ houses have you been in?
how many of your neighbors’ houses have you been in?
tell me or I’ll find out the hard way

last Halloween I went as a player piano
last Halloween I went as a player piano
I got a lot of candy even though I was way out of tune

so you like paperbacks and walks on the beach
you’re just about as complicated as I am

I wonder if you’ve ever seen an old-timey string band
I wonder if you’ve ever seen an old-timey string band
never, you proclaim
never in your lifey long years

what’s gonna be the last song you ever hear?
what’s gonna be the last song you ever hear?
name one or I’ll choose a song for you


Pig Latin

mp3 [2.83 MB] | Appears on No Destination

Pig Latin
doesn’t make
no sense
secrets kill

one day I was riding my bike
there was an empty bottle on the ground
and I tripped on it and I got a bruise on my knee
and then I got back on

Pig Latin
sometimes they talk to me
doesn’t make
I don’t know what to do
no sense
girl you’re my hideout from the voices
or they’re my cure for you
Pig Latin
secrets kill


Pink Ballerina

mp3 [2.44 MB] | Appears on Poorest Almanac That Ever Lived

I’m so glad i was born a boy
otherwise I’d be a pink ballerina
and if I was I’d spin in circles
not knowing what else to do

where were you when the towers fell?
downloading porn in my dorm room in college
I had just started three weeks before
I was homesick and scared

have you ever been to New Orleans?
where were you during Hurricane Katrina?
in a hot tub at the neighborhood pool
spinning in circles


Piso Mojado

mp3 [7.74 MB] | Appears on No Destination

my confidence is shattered
my self-esteem is gone
I don’t know if I’m ever gonna trust in anyone again
well I lay on the sidewalk and I cry myself to sleep
and I contemplate all those crazy things that I’ve seen
and I know I can do better for myself
so I go to the deli
get myself a sandwich
and on the floor there’s a yellow sign on the floor
and it’s looking at me and it says

"piso mojado, man, that floor is so wet"
I said hope I don’t slip on it and break my little head
well I used to walk on the floor
don’t do it any more, no

I look into the mirror
what did I see?
I saw my reflection looking back at me
it said "what are you doing with your life? "
said "I don’t know"
well I think in my mind that I’m never gonna die
but my body is an argument otherwise
and I laugh out loud
you’re just a reflection in the mirror
so I go to the movies
and get myself some popcorn
popcorn, baby

I didn’t mean to hurt you but you’re the one to blame
why do you keep dragging me back to play this godforsaken game
see I want you to know that you don’t need to hide
and girl I’m sorry for those times I was the thorn in your side
just let me know and I won’t say a word

my will to live is fading
my future’s looking dim
I don’t know why I jump in the water when I can’t even swim
well I gotta do a solo and here it is

I’m floating in the sea of my own misery
said I’m trying to find the thing that’ll set me free but
guess I’ll never know until I die

well I guess I’m never gonna know why I’m here
piso mojado

Pliny the Gangsta

mp3 [9.1 MB] | Appears on Album, Overrated

there was this dude named Pliny the Gangsta
he went around with a notepad making an encyclopedia
it was a catalog of all the creatures he’d meet
dudes with feet for hands or hands for feet
feet for umbrellas they’d stay out on the beach
mute as doornails, deprived of speech
men with nipples as eyeballs and no heads
those are called mahs, M-A-H-S
and their pets were called thuhs, T-H-U-H-S
which were like dogs with loopy faces
tongue hanging out in all the wrong places
keep your distance by 50 paces
check your shoelaces
the name of Pliny’s book was Historis naturalis
that ishh was from the Looking Glass
straight out of Alice
every map is outdated
toss out your atlas
trash your dictionary
you can’t grasp what the past is
Marco Polo saw a unicorn
what we call rhinocerous
but to him it was foreign
horse with a horn
where were you born?
you gotta be born somewhere
you gotta be born somewhere
is science a religion?
are pterodactyls birds?
are daddy long legs spiders?
are daddy long legs birds?
is television a drug?
you ever freebased a talk show?
was Vietnam a war or a conflict?
how do we know what we know?
you’re sick of semantics, you say
enough epistemology
fine, if you insist let’s switch back to Pliny
but first, is tomato a fruit?
you ever taste-tested produce on a parachute?
we’re not concerned with the difference between facts and terms
Pliny the G had worms with mustaches called gangs of worms
a stovepipe hat with arms and legs called Honest Abe
correction: the mahs are technically blemmyae
three sizes of male astronaut space suits: large, larger and very large
when they decided that was a man in charge?

the man upstairs said to Pliny I defy you to try and define me
Pliny said well sure, that’s easy
you’re a loving god flying high on E
God said nice try, if that were the case more of nature would be shiny
you can find Pliny’s book, the Gangsta’s book in the library
in the self-help section under P or G, I think
I think I think
I think I think therefore
I think I think therefore I think
I think I think therefore I think I am

Pornographic Secretary

mp3 [5.26 MB] | Appears on Album, Overrated

thighs like an expressway
40 dollar copay
the doctor’s late, you say
okay, okay
truth be told you’re a walking ballet
I wish I had appointments every day
the consolation prize for being terminally ill is
I’ma rally girl and win you over for real
here I am a patient pacing in the waiting room
there you are, not knowing I’ll be meeting my maker soon
hey, I’m booking a flight for two to Cancún
we’ll stay in a sexy hut beneath the Mexican moon
I’m sick of the poking and prodding and IVs and watching cartoons
I’m not joking
you’re yawning
am I boring you?
see we could do a little poking and prodding of our own
yeah sure, go ahead, answer the phone

you’re my pornographic secretary
you’re my pornographic whatever you are
when you walk down the street you make the traffic cars crash
giving the limo drivers limousine whiplash

this treatment’s no placebo
I’m nearly going broke though
the funds in my bank account hover at zero
buying you chocolates and flowers and things
sex toys, contraceptives and the hoopiest earrings
insurance won’t cover me falling in love
I haven’t told you I love you but by now I probably should’ve
while Rome burned Nero played the violin
help me turn around this run of bad luck I’m stuck in
play me like a violin
play me like a cello
make me jealous of your other men like I’m Othello
I call you at the office, you answer, hello
then you say I mean, doctor’s office, you again, hell no
I knew it was you
you knew it was me
we’re so telepathic
pornographic secretary, you’re so pornographic

you’re my pornographic secretary
you’re my pornographic whatever you are
when you walk down the street you make the traffic cars crash
giving the limo drivers limousine whiplash


The Premature Ejaculation Blues

mp3 [3.84 MB] | Appears on No Destination

I was with my woman just the other day
we was doin’ fine yeah everything was okay
she turned off the light and started to dance
and I felt something funny in the crotch of my pants

I swear to God that night I was gonna score
that’s when I saw the nasty mess on the floor

I called her on the phone said "girl I don’t know what to do
you drive me crazy ’cause I’m in love with you
see I’d do anything for you any place or any time
but since when was being excited a crime?"

I hope she understands my situation
got a minor case of premature ejaculation
I asked for her apology
she hung up the phone
and I said to myself "Greg," I said, "you’ll be spending tonight alone"

I think about baseball
shut my eyes but the only thing I see is me in her thighs
I got a sticky situation on my mind

I got a little problem that I can’t help
and it only goes away when I’m by myself
I got a sticky situation on my hands


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